Great Scott! Baker!

Yes... I'm Big-Timing You...

2010-05-10T09:46:00.007-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Great Scott! Baker! is making the big jump. I've gone to a hosted website. I'm still figuring out the nuts and bolts. I don't think I'll be able to move my entire archive over, but I will be able to provide a far more dynamic blog and website. So head on over to:

www.greatscottbaker.com

Right now I'm planning on moving some of my more popular or useful posts from this blog over there as reposts in the next few weeks so that they'll be archived there. Look for my posts about the Hippodrome to be sure.

Also, I'm still working on enabling comments, so check back in a bit and I pray your patience!

And check out my new projects! I'm starting a new blog called "Sermons in Stones" which will be commentary on the complete works of William Shakespeare from a theological perspective. Check out the first post there for a fuller explanation. And I'm starting a podcast! Well... two actually. One will be an extension of my two blogs, the other will be discussions about William Shakespeare in American Sign Language. I'm not aware of such a resource currently existing, so I'm hoping to provide something useful and entertaining there.

Well that's the big news from me! Please head on over, bookmark it, RSS subscribe, and enjoy!

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T15:34:00.002-05:00

First of all, let me say: I love my mother. I love her to pieces. I always will. She's the best.

Okay? Clear enough? Let there be no doubt.

Because here's the rub: I'm not nuts about Mother's Day. Or about Valentine's Day. Or about any "day" or "holiday" that is set aside for us to celebrate that which we should already be doing at all times. I would hope that without Mother's Day my mom would still be fully aware that I love her. And I don't need February 14th for Beeki to know that I love her. Because I show it every day. That's the way it should be.

But the problem goes to the heart of what I've been talking about lately with the recent floods and the National Day of Prayer: our words matter. We are responsible for the words of our mouths. And we are responsible for the extensions of those words. Even the unspoken extensions. The problem I have with Mother's Day is that it logically diminishes the importance of women who haven't had children. There's no celebration for the infertile. Or the celibate. Or the women whose children died before being born. And that's not right. The way we celebrate Mother's Day is also necessarily difficult for mothers whose children have died before them. Or for those with terrible mothers. Or for mothers of either damaged or difficult children. And that's a problem for me.

Now, before you get too mad at me, (and I can just hear it now, "First the National Day of Prayer and now Mother's Day?!?! What kind of evil heathen is this?!), remember that we're not talking about an article of faith. We're not talking about a biblical concept. If anything, my notion that celebrating our mothers is something we should do at all times without regard to special occasion is far more biblically grounded. These are holidays that are managed by people selling cards and flowers and chocolates, and that bothers me. These are modern American constructs that are due no more reverence and regard than we are willing to give them.

So, of course, I send my mother and mother-in-law cards and flowers. I love them! And I wouldn't for a second want for them to think otherwise. But I would hope that they know, day in and day out, that my love isn't tied to a holiday. And it's not conditional. And it's not conditioned. It's genuine and deep.

At any rate, Anne Lamott says all of this better than I do. Which is no surprise; she says almost everything better than almost everyone. You can see the article she wrote for Salon.com here.

Have a good week and look for a significant announcement in the next day or so!

The National Day of Prayer

2010-05-07T09:29:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was apparently the National Day of Prayer. I've been listening to commercials for it on the radio in the past few weeks. The people talking have mostly been pastors of large churches. And I've tuned them out for the most part. So it wasn't until yesterday was half over and I read this wonderful post by my friend Stephen Lamb that I remembered that it was the National Day of Prayer.

Honestly, the whole idea just strikes me as silly. Why Christians would or should need a National Day of Prayer escapes me. The idea should be offensive to us. If we are what we say we are, then we are already practicing a national day of prayer every day. Prayer is not an occasional event. It is a constant inflow and outflow. It is the effortless communication and the labored plea. It is the petition and the praise. It is the learning and the being. It is the silence and the cry. And it is constant. It makes about as much sense to me to declare a National Day of Breathing.

Unfortunately, while we're still being honest, no one expects that the National Day of Prayer is simply an extension of the normative Christian discipline. It is a special occasion. And it is not one open to individual interpretation. It is a calculated and cultivated effort to promote a view of the United States as a "Christian nation" and to promote American militarism.

I fully understand that there is a generational and political divide with regard to the issue of America being a "Christian nation." I don't expect everyone to agree on this, but I cannot and will not let go of my questions in response to such an assertion. The first is, "What part of America was Christian while we were committing genocide and stealing land from the indigenous population of North America?" And the second is, "What part of America was Christian while we were enslaving an entire race of foreigners brought here against their will to enrich us?" The obvious answer is neither act could be construed as testimony to our Christianity. Were Christians at the head of the formation of our country? Of course they were. But in no way could our nation, or any nation, be considered Christian. A Christian is a person, not a place or a thing. And to quote Rob Bell, "Christian" makes a wonderful noun and a terrible adjective.

I can appreciate that what I've said is not sufficient to change the mind or heart of someone who is convinced that America is somehow "Christian." But what cannot be denied is that the National Day of Prayer is propaganda in support of such a view. For proof, one need look no further than the website for the National Day of Prayer: www.nationaldayofprayer.org. There it clearly says that one of the values of the National Day of Prayer is to "Publicize and preserve America’s Christian heritage." The fact that it presupposes such a thing as true is patently obvious.

Perhaps more disturbing than that is the way that the National Day of Prayer is being shamelessly used to promote American militarism. Pastors are bold and unashamed in calling for prayers for American victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. This is troublesome on multiple levels. The first is that it presupposes that "victory" in Iraq and Afghanistan were a good thing. Someone like me, a devout Christian myself, might argue that it is an offensive notion and that we shouldn't even be engaged in military action in those other nations in the first place. And before I get accused of being anti-America, (or worse: liberal), let me inform or remind that my father served in the US Air Force for 30 years and his father served in WWII before that. My father was stationed in the Middle East during conflict. The best way to protect the lives of our soldiers is not to pray for their "victory," it's to get them out of the path of the bombs and bullets in a land in which we have no business.

The second way in which it is troublesome, though, is best not told by me. And it really goes to the heart of my objections to the obvious goals of the "National Day of Prayer." And it also brings me back to my friend Stephen. He quotes Mark Twain's short story/letter to the editor, "The War Prayer." I'll post it here below. It ties in to some of what I was expressing earlier this week about how the words we say in prayer and about God really do matter.

The War Prayer by Mark Twain
written approximately 1904-05

Editorial Note: Outraged by American military intervention in the Philippines, Mark Twain wrote this and sent it to Harper’s Bazaar. This women’s magazine rejected it for being too radical, and it wasn’t published until after Mark Twain’s death, when World War I made it even more timely. It appeared in Harper’s Monthly, November 1916.

It was a time of great and exalting excitement. The country was up in arms, the war was on, in every breast burned the holy fire of patriotism; the drums were beating, the bands playing, the toy pistols popping, the bunched firecrackers hissing and spluttering; on every hand and far down the receding and fading spread of roofs and balconies a fluttering wilderness of flags flashed in the sun; daily the young volunteers marched down the wide avenue gay and fine in their new uniforms, the proud fathers and mothers and sisters and sweethearts cheering them with voices choked with happy emotion as they swung by; nightly the packed mass meetings listened, panting, to patriot oratory which stirred the deepest deeps of their hearts, and which they interrupted at briefest intervals with cyclones of applause, the tears running down their cheeks the while; in the churches the pastors preached devotion to flag and country, and invoked the God of Battles beseeching His aid in our good cause in outpourings of fervid eloquence which moved every listener. It was indeed a glad and gracious time, and the half dozen rash spirits that ventured to disapprove of the war and cast a doubt upon its righteousness straightway got such a stern and angry warning that for their personal safety’s sake they quickly shrank out of sight and offended no more in that way.

Sunday morning came — next day the battalions would leave for the front; the church was filled; the volunteers were there, their young faces alight with martial dreams — visions of the stern advance, the gathering momentum, the rushing charge, the flashing sabers, the flight of the foe, the tumult, the enveloping smoke, the fierce pursuit, the surrender! Then home from the war, bronzed heroes, welcomed, adored, submerged in golden seas of glory! With the volunteers sat their dear ones, proud, happy, and envied by the neighbors and friends who had no sons and brothers to send forth to the field of honor, there to win for the flag, or, failing, die the noblest of noble deaths. The service proceeded; a war chapter from the Old Testament was read; the first prayer was said; it was followed by an organ burst that shook the building, and with one impulse the house rose, with glowing eyes and beating hearts, and poured out that tremendous invocation

God the all-terrible! Thou who ordainest! Thunder thy clarion and lightning thy sword!

Then came the “long” prayer. None could remember the like of it for passionate pleading and moving and beautiful language. The burden of its supplication was, that an ever-merciful and benignant Father of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers, and aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic work; bless them, shield them in the day of battle and the hour of peril, bear them in His mighty hand, make them strong and confident, invincible in the bloody onset; help them to crush the foe, grant to them and to their flag and country imperishable honor and glory —
An aged stranger entered and moved with slow and noiseless step up the main aisle, his eyes fixed upon the minister, his long body clothed in a robe that reached to his feet, his head bare, his white hair descending in a frothy cataract to his shoulders, his seamy face unnaturally pale, pale even to ghastliness. With all eyes following him and wondering, he made his silent way; without pausing, he ascended to the preacher’s side and stood there waiting. With shut lids the preacher, unconscious of his presence, continued with his moving prayer, and at last finished it with the words, uttered in fervent appeal, “Bless our arms, grant us the victory, O Lord our God, Father and Protector of our land and flag!”

The stranger touched his arm, motioned him to step aside — which the startled minister did — and took his place. During some moments he surveyed the spellbound audience with solemn eyes, in which burned an uncanny light; then in a deep voice he said:

“I come from the Throne — bearing a message from Almighty God!” The words smote the house with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no attention. “He has heard the prayer of His servant your shepherd, and will grant it if such shall be your desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained to you its import — that is to say, its full import. For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware of — except he pause and think.

“God’s servant and yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused and taken thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two — one uttered, the other not. Both have reached the ear of Him Who heareth all supplications, the spoken and the unspoken. Ponder this — keep it in mind. If you would beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon a neighbor at the same time. If you pray for the blessing of rain upon your crop which needs it, by that act you are possibly praying for a curse upon some neighbor’s crop which may not need rain and can be injured by it.

“You have heard your servant’s prayer — the uttered part of it. I am commissioned of God to put into words the other part of it — that part which the pastor — and also you in your hearts — fervently prayed silently. And ignorantly and unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You heard these words: ‘Grant us the victory, O Lord our God!’ That is sufficient. the whole of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory — must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!

“O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle — be Thou near them! With them — in spirit — we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it — for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.

(After a pause.) “Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High waits!”

It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.

I'll leave this subject by saying I obviously do not object to praying on the National Day of Prayer. No call to prayer should ever be ignored, and no opportunity to commune with other believers in prayer to God should be ignored. But we should be wary of ulterior motives in calls that have to do with nationalism. And we should remember that our words have meaning. They have consequences. And we are absolutely responsible for the extensions of those words and thoughts.

And if you are looking for an occasion for prayer, I would guide you to my friend Shaun's post today for a healthy dose of perspective. Why Christians feel the need to feign persecution, invent outrage, and drum up resentment will never make sense to me. In the course of this life, hardship and tragedy will come. We don't need to look for it, and we don't need to conflate relatively lesser pains in to large ones in order to mitigate the guilt of our comfort.

Pray for those truly in need. Even on the National Day of Prayer.

A Recent Conversation with my Friend Cliff

2010-05-06T09:45:00.000-05:00

My dear friends Cliff and Elizabeth, (better known on this blog as Boscoe and Beffy), recently gave birth to their first child, a son. Little Gareth is wonderful and beautiful, but he had a little problem with his esophagus that required he undergo surgery on just the third day of his little life. Well the doctors got him all fixed up and everyone was praying that when they tested his esophageal connection today that there would be no leaks. We got the good news earlier this morning that there were no leaks and they're looking to take the little guy home soon.

So the news went down via text message like this:

Boscoe: Gareth is LEAK FREE! Now pray he figures out how to eat so we can bring him home.

Me: He's your kid. He'll figure out how to eat. And if he doesn't go for milk, offer him venison.

Boscoe: Maybe I should take him to Waffle House.

Me: You'll both be leaking if you do that.

Our most heartfelt and sincere congratulations to Boscoe and Beffy and little Gareth. Congratulations, guys!

A Whole 'Nother Blog

2010-05-05T10:07:00.000-05:00

Hey all, just thought I'd update you on another blog in which I'm participating. I've been living "primally" for about a month now. The nutshell version of that means that I'm taking a different approach to eating, exercise, and some other lifestyle aspects. I got on this kick after reading Mark Sisson's book The Primal Blueprint. He also maintains an excellent daily blog called Mark's Daily Apple. He'll explain things much better than I could. Essentially, his thesis is that our bodys evolved to their current form eating lots of veggies, fruits, and meats but no grains. So that's the absurdly reduced nutshell version of it.

So far, I've lost 17 lbs., had more energy than ever, been sleeping better, and myriad other health benefits. Beeki's doing it too. She's lost weight and has all the same health improvements that I've seen. My mom's doing it too and has lost 20 lbs. and gotten off her blood pressure medication. Beeki's dad and brother are doing it too and reporting great results so far.

So we decided to start a family blog. We'll be talking about our experiences, posting recipes and links, and encouraging each other. If you've got any interest, feel free to read along. If you don't care... well... join the majority of humanity. It won't hurt my feelings.

I hope you're all doing well! I'm actually working on some other news about another new blog... stay tuned!

"God's blessings are mysterious sometimes..."

2010-05-04T09:42:00.002-05:00

This past weekend Nashville was flooded by over 18" of rain in some places. There was massive flooding, damage, houses lost, lives lost, roads closed, schools closed, and businesses destroyed. It was bad.

Two things have stuck with me though. And not in a good way. See, I can handle tragedy and devastation. They are part of the human condition. Part of existence. To a certain extent, and in an oddly sad way, normal. But I know that not everyone sees it that way. Which is why I'm wondering where are the voices of the so-called Christians blaming these floods and disasters on someone's monstrous sin? Where are Pat Robertson and John Piper blaming Nashville's gay people? Or is Nashville so "Christian" thanks to the SBC presence, Lifeway, and CCM that this must be punishment for someone else's sins?

Then today I was listening to the radio and the radio show host was telling a story about how he was trying to buy a house in one of the areas that is now underwater. He says he and his wife put in an offer on the house but someone else snuck one in right before them. And now that house was completely underwater. He finishes the story by saying, "God's blessings are mysterious sometimes."

I think my jaw literally fell open. It shouldn't have. I should be used to these kind of fatalistic, simplistic, and thoroughly un-Christian understandings of God by now, but they still catch me off guard. Our words matter. But too often we act like they don't. We don't think about the things that come out of our mouths. Robertson and Piper must in the end be roundly condemned for their words because they should know better. Of course, I know the radio guy was just trying to express gratitude for something that he thought was a bad thing at the time turning out to work good for him. But we can't just let words like his slide! In order for what he said to be true, then God must have decided to bless him by making sure that the other people bought a house that he later planned to sink underwater. I'm sure the radio guy wouldn't agree with that, but it is nonetheless what he said.

I'm reminded of a conference I went to a few years back. It was hideous in so many ways, but what comes to mind now is that the worship leader spoke full-time without engaging his brain. It led him to say things like, "We're going to sing and wait for God to show up." As if a) God were absent up until that time or b) that God's presence were dependent upon his singing. (For the record, if God "showing up" were dependent upon his singing, it would have been a very pagan conference.)

If it feels like I'm nitpicking, I'm not. This is much more than mere semantics. Our words have power. And they reveal our theology. Jesus addresses this kind of backwards thinking in Luke 13:1-5. I don't know what justification there could be for proclaiming a tornado, hurricane, or flood as the judgment of God after hearing Jesus say, "...those eighteen who were killed when the tower of Siloam fell on them - do you think that they were worse offenders than all the others living in Jerusalem? No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all perish just as they did."

Tragedy and loss are part of the human condition. Sending the tragic circumstances or using a curse on someone else in order to bless you are not, however, part of the divine condition.

Scott Does Ballet

2010-05-03T09:19:00.000-05:00

I've been working out, eating right, and dropping weight nicely. I'm in better shape than I've been in quite a while. That said, I still haven't done ballet in about twenty pounds. But I performed with the Nashville Ballet a few weeks ago. Okay, technically, I didn't dance with them. But I can still say I performed with them. And I've got video to prove it. So here it is:

http://sitemason.vanderbilt.edu/news/video/2010/04/15/watch-nashville-ballet-a-midsummer-nights-dream.112872

That's me as Oberon, then Bottom, then Oberon again. First people talk about the Nashville Ballet's Midsummer, then I perform, then people dance, then they talk, then I perform, then they dance, then they talk, then I perform, then they dance, then they talk again.

Be well!

Summary

2010-04-30T09:59:00.003-05:00

I apologize for the delay in wrapping up my series on the Waco Performing Arts Company. Since I was last posting, I've dealt with a computer crash, the purchase of a new computer, some auditions, a lot of jobs, and a few other things that interrupted my thought process. Sorry again, but I'll wrap it up here.

Rather than summarize everything that I've posted, I'll just leave it up for you to read. Here I want to talk about what will actually make this all happen. The truth is, everything that I've laid out here is entirely achievable. It's possible, it's practical, and it's do-able. But its fate lies in the many hands of the people of Waco. You see, I had a philosophy during my time at the WPAC: I believed that if the success of the organization rose and fell on my presence, then I had failed that organization. The thing is, a responsibility like the success of the Arts in a city can't be left on the shoulders of one person. It's a recipe for failure. This is the kind of thing that requires many hands on deck.

The Board of Directors of the WPAC have done a heroic job keeping activities going as long as they did. They finished the season, which seemed impossible not too long ago. And they've organized quite a bit in the meantime. But they need help. They're going to need additional Board members. They're going to need people to serve on committees. They're going to need feedback and criticism. They're going to need volunteers. They're going to need audiences. They're going to need sponsors. They're going to need donors. They're going to need people to help tell their story and spread the word. In other words, they're going to need you. There's something for everyone to do, no matter your age, your experience, your talent, your ability, your availability, or your resources.

There's a very good chance if you're living in Waco that you know someone involved with one of the Arts groups that I've listed. If so, now is the time to encourage them to start considering this plan. Now is the time to start sowing seeds of resource sharing, collaboration, cooperation, advocacy, and organization.

This plan is being forwarded on to the WPAC Board of Directors in a formal manner at their request. How long it takes to implement is quite up in the air. But a number of details here are directly in your control. Make it your collective will to accomplish as many of those things as possible. And remember that what I said earlier is still true, Waco will be exactly the city that it wants to be. It's up to you to make it that city. Good luck and God bless

Posts Interrupted

2010-04-15T10:38:00.002-05:00

I apologize for the delay here in finishing this series of posts! I promise I'm very close! But my computer crashed. I'm hoping I can fix it today or tomorrow, but the computer may not cooperate. More soon, even if I have to borrow a computer to finish up!

Truth Telling

2010-04-09T08:17:00.004-05:00

Carl Hoover posted an article to his blog today about other Texas theatres facing programming problems this season. It fully confirms what I've said about the current season of the Waco Performing Arts Company. It's also an amusing exclamation point for my tongue-in-cheek reply to someone who absurdly tried to use my words in my previous post about programming to suggest that I was somehow badmouthing the people of Waco. The reason some people are willfully ignorant is always a mystery to me...

At any rate, programming for presenting houses is a difficult and interesting challenge. Theatres all over the country are facing it right now. I also think there's something else at play here. Not only are fewer good new shows available, but I think that during times of economic and/or social strife, people tend towards the artistic equivalent of comfort food. And the thing about comfort food is that everyone knows it's not the right thing for you. It won't make you feel better, it won't nourish you, and there's no chance it will improve your outlook. Same goes for "comfort Art." But really, and I've spoken about it before, my thoughts about comparisons of parallels between Americans' attitudes towards food and Art is a whole other post.

Also, if you're not already following me on Twitter, you can either click here or click on the link to the right. Hope you all have a great weekend.

Step Six

2010-04-08T09:50:00.001-05:00

In my last post I took a look at a proposal for a fundraising plan. But renovating the building is only one component of the future financial needs of the Waco Performing Arts Company and the new coalition that is being built. So I wanted to take a look at other revenue streams and needed changes. And you thought we were done talking about money, didn't you? Step Six is planning for ongoing income needs.

The fundraising plan laid out in the last post is a good foundation on which to begin to look to other sources of funding. The TIF might not be the first organization that pops into your head when you think of financial support for the WPAC, but every dollar that doesn't need to be raised through programming, fundraising events, or donations is a dollar in the right direction. So the TIF can be a very helpful tool in the big picture of the WPAC's finances. It's limitation, of course, is that since its focus is on physical improvements, it cannot be depended upon for long-term support.

As many of you know, the WPAC is one of four groups that receives Hotel/Motel tax revenue from the City. That money technically goes through the Greater Waco Arts Council, which is responsible for recommendations about its distribution. A longstanding agreement has it so that the Hotel/Motel tax revenue is equally distributed among the WPAC, the Waco Symphony, the Waco Arts Center, and the Waco Civic Theatre. Criteria was established to determine who would receive the funding a number of years ago, and it has been renewed since. The grand total of money distributed from the tax revenue is roughly $120,000 per year. That's nearly $30,000 per organization. My first recommendation for additional financial support is that the Greater Waco Arts Council re-examine its criteria for funding and reconsider equal distribution. The budgets of the four organizations are vastly different as are the scope of the audiences impacted. Of course, I would argue that the WPAC reaches the largest audiences and employs the most local resources and is therefore most deserving of an increase, but that decision will lie with the GWAC. Perhaps an annual review that funded in response to the scope of activities and budgets proposed would be in order. They could establish a system that gave unequal portions in proportion to the different organizations' levels of activity. I would consider that especially vital under the new circumstance by which the WPAC is playing host and co-producer to all of Waco's various Arts organizations.

But examining the distribution is not enough. The City must be lobbied to increase its support for the Arts. A total annual contribution of $120,000 is just not sufficient to ensure that the Arts are an area of growth in Waco. Now I know that the City has offered support in other ways in the form of public maintenance and assistance in land purchase, but an ongoing increased financial support is needed. And there should be no problem with receiving organizations being held to even higher standards of accounting, financial planning, and education in exchange for increased support. But larger cities known for their Arts work for that reputation in the form of local government assistance. Considering the service the WPAC will be offering the City under the plan that I am proposing, an increase should be well in line.

I would expect the funding to continue to be funneled through the GWAC, which is why I mentioned it first. Such a regulatory and oversight body is needed to hold the various groups accountable for wise governance and expenditures, not just to forward along checks. I would hope that this idea would excite people and encourage them to participate in building a stronger GWAC that exercises greater influence in supporting local Arts.

Another body that could offer support is Public Improvement District #1. I sat on the Board of this organization while I was in Waco and chaired the Merchant Support and Economic Development committee. Their bylaws prohibit them from spending money that benefits one member of the PID, so what I would propose instead is that the entire PID adopt and embrace the full calendar of events that would be occurring at the Hippodrome and help to fund publicity for them in such a way as to benefit all of the members of the PID. After all, when a successful WPAC is promoting events that bring hundreds of people downtown every week, all merchants and businesses will benefit from the increased traffic.

Finally, I believe that it is necessary to negotiate greater support directly from the City of Waco. As I've mentioned earlier, the City is heavily involved in financially supporting recreational entities that draw traffic and tourism to the city such as Cottonwood Creek Golf Course, the municipal softball fields, the water park, and the Cameron Park Zoo. That last one is of particular importance to me because I see a rejuvenated WPAC that hosts all of Waco's various Arts organizations as having a similar impact in the city as the zoo. I don't know the exact figure of support that is given to the zoo, but I have been made aware that it is significantly greater than the $120,000 currently given to the Arts. I think the City needs to be directly engaged to increase its support for the WPAC more along the lines of their support for the zoo. With a renovated building, a coalition of all the various performing groups, the plan that I am proposing here in place, and increased financial support from the City, there is no reason that the WPAC couldn't have a similar impact as the zoo on the cultural life of Waco.

Ongoing financial support is a significant challenge, and one that must be addressed before a shovel hits the ground. This post only represents the beginning of the issue. The private foundations still need to be consulted about ongoing support. That is one area in which Waco is certainly behind other cities. Most Arts organizations in America have a handful of foundations that provide ongoing support on an annual basis. So far the attitude from foundations in Waco is that the Arts groups should be able to survive without such support if they are to be considered successful. That always struck me as a bit odd considering that by definition, a non-profit Arts organization is making something available at below market-value because it makes the community a better place in which to live. By that definition, it is going to require many sources of outside funding. And foundations who have as a part of their mission the goal of supporting non-profit Arts organizations should be open, in my opinion, to committing to ongoing annual financial support.

In addition to increased revenue, there are ways to decrease expenditures, which amounts to the same thing. Waco's various businesses have generally been pretty good about supporting the Arts in terms of in-kind service donations, but more is needed. Everything from accounting to marketing to building maintenance can be donated by a local business in exchange for promotional consideration, tax write-offs, or both. Some of those services are currently donated, but more can be done and the business community needs to be proactive in offering themselves. (I would love to take this opportunity to single out the Waco businesses who already do a stellar job of supporting the Arts, but I would invariably omit someone. Just ask a non-profit who their supporters are; they're only too happy to crow about them.) There is an inherent inequality of power between a professional service provider and a non-profit organization that must seek donated services. For the most part, everyone agrees to play the game together where the non-profits go all over town seeking what they need in an endless chase to get their needs met. But really, there's no need for it. Especially not in a city the size of Waco. The business community must be willing to step forward and relieve that tension. It's time for everyone to get involved.

So that is Step Six. Obviously, there are many more ways that financial support can and must be raised than I have examined here. But these are the big obstacles, and the ones that need to be worked out ahead of time. I am aware that I have piled yet another herculean task on to the current load. But this is what it will take to secure a future for the Arts in Waco. I hope that it is becoming apparent that no matter who you are in Waco, there is a role for you to play in supporting the Arts. Please let me know if you think I'm off base here, or if you think I've overlooked anything. As I frequently say, feedback and criticism are the only way to improve plans such as the one I'm laying out here. Let's work on solutions together.

Step Five

2010-04-06T09:08:00.001-05:00

We're starting to have a cohesive plan for the future here! Up to this point we've detailed an end vision, organized the interested parties, defined a working agreement for the various organizations, and reorganized the Waco Performing Arts Company. At this point we should be able to create a full business plan to explain what we are trying to create. This business plan is not another step in and of itself. It is just a reflection and summation of the previous four steps. It will be crucial going forward, since it will be the foundation for the necessary fundraising efforts. It will include a description of the new internal business structure, a list of all interested parties and their business structures, a three-year projection of all proposed programming, lists of all of the Boards of Directors involved, and a copy of the proposed physical renovations. All of this will be referred to hereafter as the "Development Plan" which will be necessary for Step Five: Fundraising.

I'll admit, this one is sticky. Honestly, there's going to be more speculation involved with this step than any other. And that's because the best that can be created at this point is a fundraising plan. And fundraising plans have to be adaptive to reality and they have to be able to react to unexpected changes. So as a premise, let me say that any and all parts of this plan are subject to change. They build off of each other in such a way that if one step over- or under-performs, changes will need to be made to all subsequent steps. So here is my proposed skeleton for a fundraising plan.

Right now the estimate for renovating the Hippodrome, which is the necessary prerequisite for making this plan viable, is approximately $2.5 million. We will use that figure for the fundraising plan, but honestly the plan itself wouldn't necessarily change even if that figure were twice as high. The first step in the fundraising plan is to approach the TIF Board. (A detailed description of exactly what the TIF is would be beyond the scope of this post. More information can be found at this link by scrolling down to the section on "Downtown Development Incentives.") The TIF fund is a pool of money built from growth increments in sales taxes within a set geographic perimeter that is set aside for reinvestment within that perimeter. The Hippodrome sits within TIF Zone 1. Also in the zone are the Dr Pepper Museum, the Texas Sports Hall of Fame, and the Texas Ranger Museum. All three of those organizations have received grants in excess of $1 million from the TIF for renovations and expansions. There is no reason that the Hippodrome shouldn't similarly receive such a grant. This is an oversimplification of what the process will entail, but it is the first step. It will require an application, cultivating the application with the TIF Board and City staff, and waiting for a TIF recommendation and City Council vote. But the proposal should be for approximately 50% of the cost of the project, or for the sake of our example, $1.25 million.

That leaves $1.25 million to raise. The next step is to approach the major foundations in Waco who have stated goals of supporting the Arts. These foundations will include the Rapoport Foundation, the Waco Foundation, the Cooper Foundation, and the Meyer Foundation. I would submit that no project that has ever been submitted to these foundations could have a greater impact on the Arts in Waco than renovating the Hippodrome for the sake of the fulfillment of the Development Plan. With half of the project already funded by the TIF, the foundations would be asked to account for half of the remaining cost, or $625,000. This wouldn't be too large of a burden for them to collectively bear, especially if it could be spread over a couple of years to pay some contractors for renovation work.

Now the remaining amount to be raised is $625,000. At this point the leading families of Waco should be approached with the Development Plan. Numerous people have stepped up asking what they could do to help. This would be the time to engage them. Waco is fortunate to have some very generous citizens who have the resources to contribute significant funds. What should be asked is for them to collectively issue challenge grants for half of the remaining amount, or $312,500. These challenge grants will be commitments to match donations dollar-for-dollar. So if a family were to pledge $20,000, they wouldn't give it until $20,000 had been raised in donations. It's a powerful incentivizing tool for fundraising.

That incentive will be what is brought before the people of Waco. No general fundraising should be done until this point. With the above steps completed, the fundraising mission that needs to be brought to Waco through all of the various groups that stand to benefit is just $312,500. That money will complete a $2.5 million renovation project that will benefit all of the Arts in Waco for generations to come.

Like I said above, I know that this is the most speculative part of the step-by-step plan, but it has to be at least planned here. You have to begin with a plan that can be adapted later. At any rate, it is how I would approach a goal as big as $2.5 million. I would hope that each victory along the way would inspire more cooperation and participation from everyone interested and everyone who stands to benefit. I'll continue soon with Step Six as we are getting to the end of the plan!

Also, as a final note, if you haven't caught the April issue of the Wacoan, my earlier posts are printed there. I haven't seen it yet, but I hope that they are generating good discussion and some excitement as well. Right now, the most important thing you can do for the Arts in Waco is to talk about them with friends and neighbors and keep the tone hopeful. The future is bright!

Step Four

2010-04-05T09:23:00.002-05:00

Thank you to all of you who have been sticking with me on this exploration of the future of the Arts in Waco. After spending some time a few weeks ago taking a look at the past of the organization and seeing what brought it to its current state, the past two weeks have seen me detailing my step-by-step plan for a new vision and business plan going forward.

Now, it must be appreciated that the changes that I'm proposing are by no means small. Truly, I'm proposing a fundamental change to the Waco Performing Arts Company's mission. I've explained before that the WPAC is a presenting organization. That means they don't create the shows that play at the Hippodrome Theatre. Rather they contract with shows that are touring the country to come to Waco and then facilitate that presentation. At its heart, my proposal is that the WPAC expand its operations from solely presenting to also co-producing performances from a wide variety of performing Arts groups in Waco. They'll be responsible for helping to schedule, sell tickets, manage technical needs, and administer the performances. What this means is that the organization as it currently exists is going to have to adapt. It won't look exactly like it did before. So Step Four for the WPAC is to reorganize their operations.

The first change that must be made to the WPAC is in programming. In recent years, the WPAC has been best known for presenting Broadway musicals. That time has past. Big touring Broadway musicals, while popular and of very high professional quality, don't fit on the Hippodrome stage and don't fit in the WPAC budget. (I've already gone over the financial and physical impossibilities in another post.) Moreover, the decision to remove the popular Broadway shows from the WPAC's programming is a bit of a line in the sand. A modern performing arts center is needed in Waco, and until it is constructed, Waco shouldn't have to make do with seeing those great shows crammed into a space that can't accommodate them. This goes back to my earlier point about not settling for good enough when it stands to cost you getting what you really need.

But there are still a great number of shows with good variety and high quality that the WPAC can continue to present. The children's series can and must stay. And in the past, the Broadway shows were supplemented by various special events. Those will now take center stage for the WPAC's programming. That means shows with minimal set and tech requirements and a price point between $10k - $15k. Shows like this season's Celtic Crossroads and Take 6, or past shows like Second City, Defending the Caveman, Five by Design, and Michael Martin Murphey. A variety of music and comedy with some small-scale theatrics thrown in as well. It won't be as aggressive of a schedule, but with the calendar filled in by all of the other performing groups in town, it shouldn't be perceived as a light schedule either.

The next change is in administration. With such a change in priorities and activities, the focus of the leadership of the organization is going to have to shift from primarily programming and audience development to primarily community building and grant writing. Although leadership will always have to deal with a broad spectrum of issues, it will require a shift in resources and focus to keep all of the various performing groups together, cooperating, and happy. It will also require a more diverse funding scheme than currently exists. This is a different kind of administration, but with the new operational model I think it is a sensible shift in focus.

The next change is in staffing. This is largely in response to the administrative changes. Before, the staff consisted of a full-time Executive Director, a full-time Technical Director, a full-time Box Office Manager, a part-time Office Manager, and a part-time Education Director/House Manager/Box Office Assistant/Everything Else. That staff is going to have to contract a bit and restructure. The new operations will still require a full-time Executive Director and a full-time Technical Director. But that Executive Director will primarily be responsible for Administration and Development, as detailed above. The Box Office should reduce hours so that it is only open two days a week plus show days. All ticket-buying traffic should be sent to the website with all other customer service being handled on the designated days. That would allow a contraction of positions to create a full-time position of Box Office Manager/Marketing Director/Education Director. The fourth and final position would be the part-time Office Manager to handle billing, scheduling, accounts receivable, and facility rental. That smaller staff should be able to handle the new demands of the organization until another growth step is achieved at a later date.

The final change to examine is the change that will have to come to the WPAC's Board structure. The current Board of Directors functions fine for the WPAC, but with the organization serving as an umbrella for a large number of other organizations, a sub-Board will need to be created with representatives from all of the different groups to coordinate scheduling, facilitate resource sharing, and unify advocacy positions for mutual self-interest. Although it wouldn't be invested with the authority to make final decisions affecting the WPAC and the Hippodrome, they would be viewed as an advisory Board to the WPAC with their input being very highly valued. Other interested parties should probably be considered for seats on this Board as well, such as a representative of the City and the Greater Waco Arts Council. This kind of broad Arts participation is exactly what Waco needs and is precisely what is currently missing.

So that's Step Four: reorganizing the WPAC's operations. And as I said above, these changes aren't minor. Some of them are not only difficult in and of themselves, but they require altering the 20+ year mission of the WPAC. But it is a focused and nimble organizational structure that would be prepared to tackle the diverse needs of such a collaborative framework. I'll be back soon with Step Five as we work towards a new vision for the Arts in Waco coming to fruition.

Holy Week

2010-04-01T09:59:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to post a note here to let you all know that I'll be taking a short break from blogging about the action steps to revitalize the Performing Arts in Waco until next week.

Holy Week is the most sacred season of the Christian calendar, and it is my favorite time of year. I'll be focusing as much as possible on the meaning of the Resurrection for the world today during this weekend. I'll be attending a seder this evening at my church, singing in a service of darkness tomorrow for Good Friday, and preparing for Easter Sunday.

I pray peace and blessing on all of you. I'll catch you next week.

Step Three

2010-03-31T09:23:00.001-05:00

On Monday I continued my series on the steps that the Waco Performing Arts Company needs to take in order to renovate the Hippodrome Theatre, reorganize themselves, and revitalize the Arts in Waco. The first step was envisioning the end goal and the second step was to organize. The next step is to define the arrangement that will exist between the WPAC and the various Arts organizations in Waco.

The name of the game when structuring an arrangement between all of the different organizations and the WPAC is barrier removal. There are some obvious impediments to arranging such a dream scenario as having all of Waco's Arts organizations performing together under one roof. Here are my thoughts on it.

The first barrier is cost. The reason that this idea is valuable in the first place is that it removes the most important barrier facing all of the different groups: the cost of renting a venue. So we began with the premise that such a barrier must be removed. The venue has to be provided free in order for the arrangement to be attractive. Of course, the WPAC has built-in costs as well. It can't just completely surrender profit from events that require the time and resources of the theatre and its staff. So the basic proposal is twofold: shift the cost to the back-end of the deal and reduce income expectations.

To the former, in lieu of charging the organizations a fixed rental fee, the WPAC will charge ticket fees. It should come in the form of a per-ticket fee and a percentage of the ticket price. Exactly what those numbers should be will need to be negotiated between the WPAC and the organizations. I think variation in fees and percentages should be tied to ticket price rather than to the type of show or which organization is presenting. This structure should allow the WPAC to collect an approximate amount to a conventional rental contract, but it doesn't require the Waco Arts organizations to front that money or bear any risk in it.

For a quick mathematical example, let's say that Organization X is having an event. They price their tickets at $10 each and anticipate an audience of 500 people. Just for the sake of this example, we'll say that the agreement is that the WPAC takes $2 per ticket and 25% of ticket revenue. (We'll assume that Organization X is actually only taking $8 per ticket so that after the fee the total ticket price rounds out at $10.) If 500 tickets are sold, that's $2000 for the WPAC and $3000 for Organization X. $2000 is close to what the WPAC could make on a conventional rental contract and $3000 profit after renting a facility is more than most Arts organizations in Waco could currently anticipate. Of course, if only 200 ticket sell, that's $800 for the WPAC and $1200 for Organization X. Bear in mind that the WPAC still gave up its space for rehearsal, provided technical support, sold tickets, and ran the event. They bear the risk in this and stand to make less than the value of their commitment. Of course, both organizations make more money when more tickets are sold. That kind of upside is shared by both and provides a nice incentive for collaboration. And I would imagine that the percentage that the WPAC takes could go down if the ticket price was higher. But again, my numbers were just for the sake of this example. What they will actually be will have to be worked out when the organizations meet as I detailed in Step Two.

The latter concession that the WPAC is making is reducing income expectations. This comes in a few forms. First of all, the WPAC will have to allow the organizations to use the space next door, which will be renovated as rehearsal space, for their rehearsals a reasonable amount of time. (I'll detail the physical changes to come in a later post.) And a dress rehearsal will have to be provided in the theatre. Since the WPAC is taking all of its compensation on the back-end of the deal, this usage won't be paid for. And it likely won't be compensated as much as it would be under a conventional rental agreement. But the hope is that it will make up for such losses with an increase in volume of performances and increased sales to its own shows due to greater exposure to all of the new audiences who will be brought to the Hippodrome. That's a pretty long-viewed approach to income, and frankly it's one that most theatres don't risk taking. I think it makes sense in this situation, and it's one that will pay dividends in the long run. And short-term thinking has been at the root of many problems with the Arts.

The final component in this step of defining the agreement is what I'll call the application process. Use of the Hippodrome isn't automatic nor is it perpetual for any Arts group in Waco. Parameters must be established and an application must be renewed annually. This is a way to ensure dedication and quality and provide dependable information on an ongoing basis.

What exactly will qualify someone to submit an application will have to be decided by the interested parties and the WPAC. I would propose that sensible beginning parameters might be registered 501(c)3 organizations, active in Waco for at least 3 years, with at least two public events performed within the past 12 months, and which serves an average of more than 1000 people per year. But that, of course, will also have to be determined by the interested parties.

The application will require each organization to describe themselves, their projects, and performances with respect to the following categories: merit, collaborations, educational commitment, local resources used, a description of the performance(s), sponsors, their marketing plan, and other sensible information. This is not only informational to make sure that everyone is on the same page. First of all, it ensures that all of the organizations are taking these points to heart. Requiring them to enunciate their marketing plan ensures that they have a marketing plan. Everyone needs to conduct themselves as professionally as possible since the sustainability of the whole relationship hangs on the quality of the performances, the frequency of the performances, and the size of the audiences.

But maybe more importantly than coordination and quality control is that having the above information can help the WPAC to write grants. This kind of city-wide partnership is rare and unique. It is definitely grant-worthy since so many foundations place a premium on sharing resources and collaborative efforts. The hope would be that by drawing all of these groups together under one roof, encouraging them to collaborate in some ways and forcing them to in others, and requiring that they all take ideas such as resource sharing to heart that you would have a dynamic environment that fostered creative ways to save money, combine administrative necessities, align programming, and reduce redundancy. By being the conduit through which these kinds of efforts were made, the WPAC could apply for grant assistance to help fund this project. That assistance would go a long way to help cover any shortage caused by committing time and resources to bringing this vision into reality.

So Step Three was defining the arrangement between the WPAC and the various Arts groups. In order to offer the Hippodrome for free to them, there will have to be a back-end agreement to help bring in funds for the WPAC. Each group will have to go through an application process in which they must enunciate their plans and qualifications for using the space. This will help to make them a partner with the WPAC and the other groups in the space so that coordinated efforts can be made in programming, scheduling, marketing, and administration. These efforts will hopefully result in increased grant support for the WPAC which is making them possible.

Next up, we'll take a look at how these changes will affect the WPAC. Obviously, these are some pretty fundamental changes, so we'll want to examine how the WPAC will adapt to handle them. I hope you can appreciate that this is becoming a pretty big project! But I also hope that you are starting to see that it can be handled one step at a time.

Step Two

2010-03-29T09:22:00.001-05:00

Sorry that it's taken me nearly a week to get from Step One to Step Two. See, in between I had this little mediation with Tuna and a singing gig in New Orleans. So I didn't want to post something half-finished or something that I hadn't finished editing. So now it's time to continue my series on what's next for the Hippodrome and the Arts in Waco. Step One was to define the end goal...

Step Two is to organize. In Step One we talked about a vision for the Arts that brought all of the various Performing Arts organizations in Waco together to be at home in a renovated Hippodrome. They would have access to perform and rehearse there free of charge. So before we can begin structuring this arrangement, we need to organize. The organization will come in three steps: engaging the community, engaging the Arts organizations, and assimilating the feedback into a combined mission.

The first thing to be done is to engage the community. The public nature of the Waco Performing Arts Company's recent problems has made it so that everyone in town has an opinion about what has been done and what should be done. My only problem with that is that it came so late! I loved receiving feedback about operations, programming, the facility, and everything else while I was Executive Director. There are many people there who can tell you that the WPAC is actually very good at responding to people with good ideas. In fact, many of the people who came forward to offer advice or feedback are now sitting on the Board of Directors. I wish that the people who have been so free with their opinions about the WPAC on the news and in the comment sections of the various news websites had stepped up to offer their criticism and feedback months ago. Rather than get caught up in what might have been however, I always look to the future. And that's what everyone needs to do now.

The WPAC needs to have a series of public forums where everyone who is interested can offer their opinion about anything to do with the organization or the Hippodrome Theatre. I think three should be enough to make sure that everyone who wants to can attend at least one. They should be held in the Hippodrome since the facility is likely to be a major topic of discussion. I know that it is popular to do something akin to a "listening tour" with efforts like this, but I think a different tactic is in order. I think there needs to be an educational component to these forums as well as taking feedback. For example, I don't think it does anyone any good to allow a comment such as, "You guys should bring in Robert Earl Keen," without challenging it. As long as people think that such an idea is financially viable, such faulty thinking will dominate the conversation. The forums need to lead to a productive place. When people ask a question about why there are so few womens' restrooms, they should get an answer! When people ask why the ceiling is falling apart, they should get an answer to that too. And when they ask a question for which there is no answer, or make a point that hadn't been before considered, the WPAC will be there to take notes and investigate changes in the future. The true spectrum of opinions and insights must be heard and accounted for.

The second part of this step is meeting with the various Arts organizations. They need to be brought to a single table to discuss this plan. They need to have the future possibilities laid out for them. They are sure to have many questions, and to the best of the WPAC's ability those will be answered. But more important is hearing their concerns and their needs. As fond as I am of this plan and idea, it is sure to have a ton of blind spots and deficiencies. The only way to begin to work those out is to hear from all of the groups. They will all have different needs in order to perform their best. Those are the items that the WPAC needs to take note of. Some organizations will place a higher value on rehearsal space, others need office space, others need ticketing help, and others need technical assistance more than anything else. All of those items are going to have to be accounted for before a comprehensive proposal can actually be made to them for formal consideration.

The third part then is to take all of the information gained above and synthesize it into a formal proposal that can be made to the Arts organizations. Right now the basics of the proposal are in place, but it needs to be something that can bring them all on board. This will likely include considerations about terms of the space usage, the renovations to come, the scheduling process, the calendar, staff, technical availability, and more. I'll be outlining the current content of my proposal for the agreement later, but it should be understood that my work is a starting point for the proposal rather than a finished product.

After a final proposal is drafted for the Arts organizations, they should be brought back together to review it. If further amendment is necessary, it can be made, but the ultimate goal of this process is to finally have a plan that everyone can tentatively adopt. What this means is that all of the various Arts organizations that I've mentioned, (and probably a few that I've either forgot or was unaware of), need to be prepared to sign a non-binding letter of intent to enter into a relationship with the WPAC to make the Hippodrome their home. This obviously contains stipulations that include the completion of renovations and other necessities that arose during the aforementioned meeting. But it will be necessary to have everyone signed on for the development plan before taking it to the next step.

It is of the utmost importance that everyone listen to each other in this Step. Too often we have a tendency to hear gossip or secondhand information and use it as the basis for forming a rather strong opinion. Too often we decide that we already have all of the useful information that we need rather than considering the thoughts and opinions of those outside our circle. But, too often we also approach the table with an empty hand and too blank of a slate. There's no reason to not bring all of the best ideas that we have to bear and test them against the input and opinion of everyone whom we hope to serve in the future. This process has to begin with dialogue if it to successfully end with a plan that the community feels they can get behind.

So that's Step Two. We have to organize. We begin by listening to each other and swapping information and ideas. We use that information to formulate a plan that works for us all based on the vision we have for the future of the Arts in Waco. After we achieve that kind of unity we can move on to the next steps. But, for maybe the first time in Waco's history, its Arts groups have to get on the same page and subscribe to a plan that puts them all on the same team.

Responding to Fools

2010-03-27T14:21:00.007-05:00

As I mentioned yesterday, there was an article in the Trib about the settlement with Tuna. And as usual, the rock-eaters were out in force in the comment section. To be fair, there were also some lovely comments left as well. Below is my favorite comment that was left after somebody posted a link to my blog:

Please, scott baker is linking his own blog to this- he likes the sounds of his own voice This is what scott baker has said about the people of waco in the past- i think it shows what he thinks of our intelligence level. "So to say that the current lineup is my "fault" is ridiculous. To people who feel that way, I would suggest that their lack of broad cultured tastes in performances is their "fault.""

Now, as a general rule I don't respond to morons who post anonymous comments on websites, but I thought I'd go ahead and post my response here. Who knows, maybe this particular fool is still reading. I dare him or her to attempt productive intelligent dialogue instead of cowardly anonymous stone-throwing.

Although I don't generally bother to engage people who lack the integrity to use their real name when insulting me on a public forum, I thought I'd make an exception this time. "Waco Theater Lover", I had to respond because you deserve sincere congratulations. You managed to cherry-pick the one sentence which, when taken entirely out of context as you did, might make it seem that I was speaking negatively about the people of Waco. The one out-of-context statement taken from over four years of blog archives in which I have had nothing but positive and praising things to say about Waco, the people of Waco, and especially the theatre-goers in Waco which could be distorted to seem that I was speaking negatively or critically of them. Well done. That wasn't easy to do.

As for the accusation of linking to my own blog: grow up. I sign my name and stand behind my words when I speak. I'm not difficult to find and I'm more than willing to actually engage and converse with anyone who sincerely wants to do so.

And that's probably the most fundamental difference between us here, "Waco Theater Lover." You call yourself one, but so far all you have to show for is ad hominem and anonymity. I actually believe that by talking with each other in sincerity we can learn from one another. I don't believe that I have all the answers. But I'm willing to put my thought out to be tested, tried, criticized, and improved upon. What about you? Are you willing to bring anything useful to the table of discussion? Any ideas that might lead to the improvement of the Arts and theatre in Waco? That's the opportunity before us here. That's what this article is about. We have the ability to move forward, to talk about what we want and what kind of community Waco can be.

I encourage all of you to engage in constructive conversation about what comes next. Be generous to each other, let all voices be heard, and chart a course that can be journeyed by everyone who truly cares about the Arts and theatre in Waco.

And I sincerely mean what I say, as anyone who actually knows me will attest. Check back here next week as I continue to lay out my vision for the Hippodrome and the Arts in Waco. I hope that at the very least they will provide a good launching-off point for community dialogue about the role and the future of the Arts.

Pause for Breaking News

2010-03-26T12:18:00.002-05:00

I'm in the midst of laying out a new vision for the use of the Hippodrome Theatre, the future of the Waco Performing Arts Company, and the growth of the Arts in Waco, TX. But I'm going to take a break from it to update you on what many of you have heard about by now.

Here is a link to the Waco Tribune-Herald article about the settlement with Tuna. I encourage you all to be proactive in advocating for the Arts and the WPAC beginning right now. Consider in the coming weeks as plans are laid for the future what you can do to help. What can you do to be a part of the future of the Arts in Waco? What can you do to encourage local artists? What can you do to support the people who work so hard to bring shows to life? What can you do to make sure that our children have Art in their lives and educations? What can you do?

I'll be feeding many ideas here. I'm also happy to say that you'll be able to read my thoughts in the April issue of the Wacoan Magazine. They will be publishing my series of posts from two weeks ago or so about how we came to this point and where we can go from here. The ending is edited a bit to reflect my new ideas and new direction that I'll be unveiling here. To get a sneak preview of those ideas and a much more in-depth analysis of the issues at hand, check in here next week.

Pick up that issue of the Wacoan and talk about the problems and ideas with each other. Poke holes in it! Figure out how to make it work. Be serious about the challenges, and use them as motivation to do great things. And although I generally don't care about these things, head over to that article on the Trib's website and don't let the rock-eaters dominate the conversation. Advocacy for the Arts begins in things as small as refusing to allow negativity to rule the day. Refusing to allow the village idiots to set policy for the village. Refusing to settle for the lowest common denominator. Refusing to live within the narrow boundaries of what seems possible or practical, and reaching instead for that which inspires, uplifts, encourages, embraces, entertains, and makes Waco a better place in which to live.

Step One

2010-03-23T09:22:00.004-05:00

The next posts that I'll be putting up here are a comprehensive action plan for reviving the Arts in Waco, TX, renovating the Hippodrome Theatre, rejuvenating the Waco Performing Arts Company, restoring a sense of community to the various Arts groups in Waco, and maybe a few other actions that start with "re." We'll see. This is in response to me changing my mind about some of the conclusions that I drew after reflecting on how the current situation in Waco came to pass. You can catch up on my previous thoughts and diagnoses of the problems here.

Since so many musicals have played at the Hippodrome over the years, it seems fitting to start at the very beginning... a very good place to start...

The first step is to define the end goal. Unless you begin with a specific result in mind, no progress will truly be made. This is the root of my dissatisfaction with my previous prescription. It didn't give people anything tangible to get to work on right now. It didn't provide for the Arts in the meantime between now and when a modern PAC is built in Waco. And it wasn't specific enough about what broad participation from various performing groups from around Waco would look like. So here's the first step: we're going to be specific about what the end result will be and then the following steps will be walking through a practical plan towards achieving that goal.

What the Waco Hippodrome needs to become is a home for all of Waco's various performing groups. When people in Waco think about seeing a play, hearing a concert, going to an opera, or seeing an independent film they should think about the Hippodrome. When Waco's children are a part of a performing group, they'll be performing on stage at the Hippodrome. When artists in Waco have a creative vision for a new performing group, they'll debut at the Hippodrome. When local filmmakers finish a new film, it will premiere at the Hippodrome. When Wacoans don't know what to do this weekend, they'll check to see what's playing at the Hippodrome. When people are thinking of a creative date night, they'll head downtown for dinner and a show. That's the end goal.

Of course, as I've already shown, these various groups can't pay to rent the stage. So it needs to be provided for them free of charge. Waco's non-profit Arts organizations will have access to the Hippodrome stage for their programming free of charge. Pre-determined criteria will be established in order to evaluate the various organizations' preparedness in categories such as excellence, financial stability, marketing, audience development, community involvement, use of local resources, and more. Then anyone who meets that definition will be able to schedule their events for public performance on a professional stage with professional support and professional technical assistance.

Creative people who want to try to form a new non-profit Arts organization in Waco need a laboratory to gain some momentum and experience. So every year, applications will be accepted for assistance in producing new works on the Hippodrome stage. They will be walked through the necessary steps and taught how to produce a successful show. The best among them will be welcomed back for future productions and encouraged to form new non-profit organizations.

Since Arts education is constantly facing budget cuts, the schools and after-school programs that teach Performing Arts will need a stage on which to showcase their students' achievements. They will be treated the same way as the local non-profits. A steady diet of recitals, shows, and performances featuring our children will be a regular part of the Hippodrome's programming. They'll enjoy being billed right up alongside professional shows and touring productions.

A 200-mile gap separates Dallas and Austin. There are many cities and communities in between that are closer to Waco than they are to either of those metropoli. Some of them have civic or community theatres and some of them have colleges and universities. Once a year, they should all be invited to present a one-act play in a competition and showcase that stands in the very long tradition of theatrical competition that goes back to the ancient Greeks. This Central Texas theatrical festival will not only provide wonderful entertainment, it will help introduce different organizations' audiences to each other and to new opportunities to enjoy good local theatre.

To house all of this wonderful activity, the Waco Hippodrome Theatre must be fully renovated. That cost is likely to run somewhere in the neighborhood of $2.5 million. The exterior structure must be examined and strengthened. The seating must be replaced. The HVAC must be completely replaced and its ductwork updated. The dressing rooms must be completely renovated. The sound and lighting systems must be updated. The film projection equipment needs to be updated as well. The restroom facilities must be expanded. (Especially for the women!) The ceiling must be replaced. The exterior must be cleaned up and restored. There are also myriad cosmetic and minor fixes that must be made that are too numerous to list here.

The building next door must also be renovated and remodeled. The front of the downstairs must be connected to the Hippodrome to provide expanded lobby space, concessions, merchandise, and restrooms. The back 2/3 of the downstairs needs to be remodeled as rehearsal space. The upstairs in that building needs to be remodeled as office space for rent to the various non-profit organizations who would make the Hippodrome their home, along with appropriate meeting space and technical work area and offices.

Other local performing groups who are not non-profit organizations should also have access to the Hippodrome for a standardized and reasonable rental rate. There will definitely be a hometown discount, and with the multitude of other performances happening in the Hippodrome hopefully it wouldn't be too difficult to draw a good crowd. The facility will also, of course, still be open for rental to out of town and independent tours.

So that's the vision. That's the end result. Imagining it all is step one. Does this sound like a good thing to you? Does this sound desirable? If not, there's no point going any further. But if this sounds like an end worth achieving, then we'll take a look next at the action steps needed to make this dream a reality. And I bet it can be done faster than you all think. Check back in tomorrow for Step Two!

This is Why We Talk

2010-03-22T09:21:00.003-05:00

I've had mixed feelings about talking about the Hippodrome the past few weeks. On the one hand, I'm obviously very sad about the recent events including its closure at the end of this season. But on the other hand, I'm endlessly encouraged by how many people have responded with a desire to help, pitch in, and do what they can to get the doors open again.

And there's been news too! The theatre is going to finish out its remaining shows. They just hosted 100 Years of Broadway last Friday, and they still have The Little Engine That Could and The Three Redneck Tenors coming up. Also, contrary to some rumors, the organization is by no means dissolving or closing permanently. As of now, the decision is that they will be dark next year. Beyond that nothing has been decided. And to me, that sounds like opportunity.

See, I've been having great conversations with many people since posting my series on the Hippodrome. In fact, I've had the opportunity to really test my thoughts and theories. And I've found that I came up short in some of my thinking. So I've been working on a new major proposal for the Hippodrome going forward.

I stand by my diagnosis of the problems and the over-arching solutions. What is really needed is greater civic involvement, broader buy-in, greater patronage, and a commitment from the City and civic stakeholders towards meaningful cultural development. And a modern City-owned PAC that can meet the needs of large-scale performances for sizable audiences is an ultimate goal that must be worked towards tirelessly until its completion. But where I fell short was in my proposal for the Hippodrome Theatre itself. I found that it was not only incomplete, but highly unsatisfying. What I failed to do on a most basic level was propose something immediately actionable.

I'm pleased to say that after bouncing some ideas around and rethinking some basic premises that I have something better. Over the rest of this week, I'll be laying out a comprehensive step-by-step plan for what can be done right now for the Arts in Waco. And at the end of the plan, I hope to have laid out a successful case for how the Hippodrome can stay under the WPAC's ownership and management, get completely renovated, become a home for all of Waco's various non-profit Arts groups, and operate in the black while continuing to work towards helping Waco build a modern PAC.

I'm also working on something else very big that I should be able to announce by the end of the week. I hope you'll enjoy the reading and offer comments and criticism along the way. Like I said in the title of this post, this is why we talk. We help each other improve our ideas. If you live in Waco, I hope you'll be equipped and inspired to action. If you don't, I hope you'll find some ideas here that are worth pondering as you think about the Arts in your community. Have a good week!

More to Come

2010-03-18T09:25:00.000-05:00

I've spent a great deal of time over the past few weeks talking to people about the Hippodrome, the Waco Performing Arts Company, and the Arts in general in Waco. I posted a series of thoughts telling the story of how we got to where we find ourselves today. And I finished those thoughts with a vision of what I think should happen to fix the situation and provide for a future for the Arts in Waco.

I've had a great deal of feedback about that vision for the future, and a few things have come about. The first is that I've realized that the vision I put forth was incomplete. It needs to be more specific, detailed, and step-by-step. The second thing is that was probably wrong about a few key things that could or should happen. And the third is that it doesn't provide anything for people to grab hold of and begin working on right now.

The good news is, I think I have some ideas to fix those problems! The bad news is, I'm still working on hashing it out. Stick with me for a few days, and I'll have more to say on the subject including a tangible plan for immediate action. I hope you are all well and brimming with ideas for how to support and promote the Arts in your neighborhood wherever you find yourselves.

So What's Next?

2010-03-10T09:09:00.003-06:00

UPDATE: Before reading this, I wanted to let you all know that after posting it and having time to reflect and talk with interested and curious parties, I've changed my mind about a few things. The problems that I've diagnosed up until now are entirely accurate, but I'm altering some of the conclusions that I'm drawing. Rather than amend this post, I wanted to leave it as it was written so you could see how my thought process developed on the matter. I'll be posting some more and different thoughts in coming days. Thanks for reading and caring.

- Scott Baker 3/21/10

After taking a look at all of the various challenges and obstacles, I'm taken back to a comment my friend Seth made on the very first day of these posts, "Sounds like a lost cause." It does seem that way sometimes. The challenges are severe. But the situation is not impossible. And the thing about lost causes is that they're never really lost if the goal is worth it in the end. So I thought I'd wrap this all up with my vision for a future for the Hippodrome, the WPAC, and the Arts in Waco.

The first and key decision that needs to be made is that Waco needs a modern performing arts center. So many cities the size of Waco and smaller all over the country have such facilities, and it's Waco's time. This has to be a City-owned facility. Waco has been unique in Texas to the best of my knowledge in that the organization responsible for providing and managing the programming of the facility also owns and maintains its historic theatre. That's an untenable situation as I've already demonstrated. The monthly bills of running and maintaining the Hippodrome without much regard to how often it is used are approximately $9,000. And that's without paying the staff. Without the costs of operating and maintaining the Hippodrome, there's no doubt that the WPAC would still be in business today.

The WPAC has never really been able to fit on stage at the Hippodrome. Its proscenium opening is only 26 feet. The wing spaces are 8 feet and 12 feet. For reference, most standard touring Broadway shows require openings of at least 40 feet and wing spaces of at least 18 feet per side. There is not nearly enough dressing room space for visiting performers, and the space that is there is dank, dirty, and smelly. There is no provided administrative space for visiting performers. Nor is there adequate concessions or merchandise space in the theatre. Simply put, it doesn't suit the needs of a modern touring house. I think I've already gone over the Hippodrome's deficiencies enough by now.

But the WPAC isn't the only Arts organization in Waco in need of such a space. The Waco Symphony, a very fine organization, is also in need of a new home. They currently perform at Waco Hall, but scheduling is a perennial headache for them. And as I mentioned in passing yesterday, I'd like to think that one day Waco will have an opera company back and even a ballet too that would make occasional use of such a facility. Independent touring shows that currently use the Coliseum as their venue would be much more suited to a modern PAC. I'm thinking of things like Jeff Dunham, George Lopez, and David Copperfield. The Coliseum is a terrible venue for such performances, but because of seating size that's where they end up. All of these organizations would need a modern PAC.

And, yes, as soon as you start trying to figure out how this will be possible, it almost certainly means a bond issue. And that may be the most difficult part of this whole thing. Wacoans need to realize that they are going to live in exactly the city that they want. Such a facility will surely cost upwards of $25 million. Of course, over its lifetime it will also contribute quite a bit to the City of Waco in terms of rental costs and sales tax revenues reaped from surrounding businesses that see an increase from all the traffic. It may never fully pay for itself, but more about that in a bit.

There is also more than just a practical reason for making this something paid for with a bond issue. If it is paid for by a handful of large donations there will always be a sense of uncertainty around who is calling the shots there. Such a PAC should truly belong to everyone. Waco has enough distrust of its wealthy families and citizens, and this project should be free of such speculation. It should be there to benefit everyone in Waco.

Where should such a facility be built? I don't want to take much time pinpointing possibilities. Based on the City and the Chamber's stated goals, it should certainly be downtown; there are plenty of viable locations that could house such a facility and accompanying structured parking. It should be close to the highway, Baylor, and City Hall, and I don't think you should stray far from 4th, 5th, Franklin, Austin, University Parks, or MLK. East or West side of the river doesn't really matter; it will be a transformational structure no matter where it's placed.

Could an existing facility contribute to a modern PAC? Well... yes and no. Of course it could in a sense. There was an idea floated not too long ago to try to turn the Masonic Lodge on Waco Drive into a PAC to be shared by the WPAC and the WSO. I shot the idea down and I still stand by my reasoning. Here's why I think that would be a huge mistake: First of all, no building that is retrofit for a purpose will ever be as good or work as well as one that is built specifically for that purpose. In the Masonic Lodge I think you would still face some of the familiar challenges from the Hippodrome: wing space, lighting positions, load-in access, etc. In short, it is in no way suited to be built in to an acceptable theatrical venue. It could, I suppose, become a performance hall similar to Baylor's Jones Hall. But there's a reason that choirs and chamber ensembles are the only groups to use that hall. It cannot suit a symphony, an opera, a theatre, or a dance group. The Masonic Lodge doesn't have a proper proscenium or fly system. By the time you spent enough money to get it to approach acceptability, you would have to wonder why that money wasn't spent building the facility you needed in the first place rather than renovating an afterthought.

Then there's the problem of who would run that facility. The suggestion at the time was that it would remain owned by the Masons. But I don't believe they were consulted in that decision, as if they would want to own and maintain a facility for someone else's use a handful of days per year that would be dictated to them. And again, I don't think ownership should be left to any one of the Arts organizations. This needs to be a city-wide effort.

But of course, such a solution as retrofitting the Masonic Lodge would be a lot cheaper. And this is where I have to get a bit philosophic about the matter. A few years ago a bond issue was put to the ballot to expand and enhance the Central Library and provide better branch access. It narrowly passed without a lot of civic participation, but even still there wasn't much celebration. Everyone close to the library issue knew that it was a Pyrrhic victory at best. It was the "good enough" solution. It was by no means what the City really needed in terms of a library. But because it was adopted, it will now be decades before the issue of library expansion can be addressed again. "Good enough" is the enemy of "correct." This is an issue that Waco can't afford to get wrong. Given the current difficulties in momentum and finances, if a plan such as retrofitting an existing facility were adopted, the true needs of the City would not be met. And who knows how long it would be before Waco caught up with the rest of the country in terms of Arts.

So where does that leave the Hippodrome? Well, try this on: I believe the City should own the Hippodrome as well. It is a Registered Historic Landmark and one of the few viable pieces of living history left in downtown Waco. It should be maintained as an extension of the PAC and the Convention Center. And its uses would be many as I'll show in a moment. Of course it would have to be addressed in the same bond proposal that builds the new PAC, but addressing it at the same time and using the same architects, engineers, and builders would certainly be the cheapest way to see it done.

How then shall it be used? Remember all of the groups that I mentioned yesterday? Imagine it as a home for the Waco Children's Theatre, the Waco Jazz Ensemble, the Waco Summer Musicals, the Baylor Opera Theatre, the Baylor Jazz Ensemble, a Waco Civic Chorus, the Baylor Film Department, the Baylor Theatre Graduate Studies department, and a Waco Film Society. What if the Waco Civic Theatre moved its annual musical to the Hippodrome? (Many people don't know this, but the Waco Civic Theatre was intentionally designed to prevent the staging of musicals there. Its designer intended it to be used exclusively for modern American plays.) So the Civic Theatre could then have a proper proscenium stage and an orchestra pit. And it could be made easily accessible for any other local performing groups who wanted to give performing a try. Perhaps an annual Shakespeare Festival or a new vocal ensemble. The City could use it as overflow from the Convention Center for events that needed auditorium-style seating. The Library and KWBU could screen documentaries and films there.

By my count that's well over ten different organizations who are or would be in need of a venue. That is the kind of broad coalition and consensus that would be needed to enact such a vision. But they all have something in common: None of them is capable of paying to rent a facility like the Hippodrome for their performances. There would need to be an arrangement made between the City and the various performing groups that any such registered 501(c)3 non-profit organization that met certain minimum requirements would be able to use the Hippodrome free of charge in exchange for a percentage of the box office revenue. Is that subsidizing the Arts? Yes it is. That's how you encourage something's growth. But it's not just throwing cash at a problem. It still requires the organizations to be responsible for quality work and a proper job of selling tickets. Such an arrangement is the only scenario under which all of those various groups will be able to thrive and pursue an aggressive performance schedule that will result in a robust calendar of events at the Hippodrome.

The other step alongside that one that could be taken is the renovation of the Annex building next door to the Hippodrome on Austin. It would be quite easy to remodel it to contain overflow concessions and restrooms in the very front of the downstairs and rehearsal space in the remainder of the downstairs. Upstairs could easily be remodeled as office space for the above mentioned non-profits who could rent it for an affordable price. This arrangement would not only provide the non-profits with their badly needed administrative space, but would bring in an income and return on the investment of the renovation.

Now it is certainly a distinct possibility that such an investment may never run a profit for the City. Not only is it not entirely likely to pay off the initial investment, but upkeep and maintenance of the two spaces is likely to be more expensive than their revenue will ever provide. That fact should never be hidden. But is that so different from other civic functions? Does the City-owned softball complex pay for itself? Or the water park? Or the golf course? Of course they don't. But they all make Waco a better place in which to live. And the tax money that supports them is a small price to pay to live in a city rather than a town. Otherwise, what's the difference between Waco and a larger version of Riesel? The advantage of living in a city is supposed to be in quality of life and opportunity. I do not believe that the City would be taking radical steps by moving in the direction that I've outlined above. I simply feel that they would be catching up to where they should have been long ago.

I am well aware that my plan will be highly unpopular with some people. There are those who feel that every penny paid in taxes is the same as having limbs or children taken from them. Bond issues are often unpopular and politicians are hesitant to support them for fear of losing their position. Those challenges simply mean that courage and preparation are needed. The Hippodrome was brought to its current position because too few people were willing to roll up their sleeves and offer assistance and ideas. No such situation can be allowed again. Think about the momentum that could be gained if all of the different performing groups that I mentioned above got together, organized together, and drafted a proposal of how they would work together to see this vision become a reality. They would certainly be able to overcome the small-minded but loud-mouthed few who would want to stand in the way of such cultural development. And, forgive my saying so, but Waco can't afford to allow the village idiots to chart the course for the village.

At any rate, that's my idea. A new PAC for all of Greater Waco to enjoy that would draw audience from miles around for presentations by the Waco Performing Arts Company and the Waco Symphony Orchestra. A renovated Hippodrome to be home to all of Waco's various performing groups and non-profits as well as a potential incubator for future cultural growth and development. The Arts groups would certainly be better off with this arrangement. Downtown would benefit from the increased traffic, activity, and density. And all of Waco would benefit by having such diverse Arts and entertainment opportunities from which to choose and enjoy. It won't be easy. It won't be cheap. But it will certainly be worthwhile.

I have now come to the close of my prepared remarks about the Hippodrome that I began over a week ago. I would love your input and thoughts. Please feel free to point out flaws and weaknesses in my ideas here. That's the only way that we'll come to stronger ideas in the end. I'll try to spawn off more posts here based on questions, comments, feedback, emails, gossip, and news reports that come up. I've created a new label of "Hippodrome" for these posts that can be found in the sidebar on the right.

I hope the best for Waco. It was the first place I truly called home after a fairly nomadic life up until that point. My parents still live there and I care a great deal about the city. I would be only too happy to see these proposals of mine come to pass. But they'll have to be taken up by the minds and hands that are there right now. God bless you all.

Non-Profit Arts Math

2010-03-09T09:33:00.004-06:00

Okay, this post is going to be a bit of a confusing one. So far I've kept pretty clear concise topics such as the facility, Tuna, this season, booking music acts, marketing, and the Board of Directors. But here I'm just going to lay out some fundamental issues related to non-profit Arts in Waco. This is a precursor that is necessary to lay some groundwork before I post tomorrow's vision for the future of the Hippodrome. This post may seem a bit pessimistic, but that's just because the realities of the situation are difficult. But most things worth doing are difficult. So let's dive in.

First off, we've already taken a look at the difficult math of one-night-only performances in the Hippodrome. In the Hippodrome there are 929 seats. But 174 of those are in the balcony which is very cramped and usually either too hot or too cold. Yes, seats up there will sell when there are no other seats available, but no one is happy with them. It's not that those seats have a bad view of the stage or that you can't hear the actors from there, it's just a matter of comfort. Although I can't confirm this with 100% certainty, my best theory for why it was constructed like that is that it used to be the "colored section." That's right. The uncomfortable balcony is also probably a link to Waco's racist past. But that's a bit beside the point for this discussion. If you take away those balcony seats, you are left with 755 decent seats. The reason that number is important is where it puts the Hippodrome in terms of capacity when compared with other venues around town. The Waco ISD performance hall seats around 350. The Midway ISD performance hall is just a bit larger than the Hippodrome, seating 1,100. However its use is devoted to MISD activities, as it should be. The Texas theatre between 3rd and 4th St. on the I-35 access road seats about 200. The Waco Civic Theatre seats about 250. Waco Hall seats over 2000. So if you need a venue between 300 and 2000, there is only one such venue in Waco: The Hippodrome.

Facility rental is a huge issue for non-profits. There is a serious dearth of performance venues for our Arts organizations. The Civic Theatre is the only organization fortunate enough to own its own venue. Everyone else has to work out a rental agreement with one of the above mentioned venues. The Waco Children's Theatre is a perfect example of this. They have bounced around from the Civic Theatre to the Waco ISD hall to the Hippodrome and back again to the first two a number of times. The Waco Jazz Orchestra is another good example. Use a bit of the math from my breakdown of seating capacity and ticket price to see some problems here. Let's say that rental of one of the 300 seat venues costs $750 per day. That's a guess, and a pretty reasonable number even if I suspect it's low. Selling out a 300 seat venue at $10 per ticket, (which is probably reasonable for a local performance organization), minus the rental fee means that if they sell out the show they make $2250. From that you have to still deduct marketing costs, the costs of printing programs, the staff salaries, the costs of lights and props and settings and costumes, and any other ancillary costs. Do we really think that $2250 can adequately cover those expenses? I don't.

And there's also Baylor University to consider. Let me say this, and I know that it may not be a popular statement with people incapable of broad thinking: Waco cannot survive and will not thrive without Baylor University. And Baylor University needs a growing and thriving Waco in order to succeed in its ultimate vision for itself. The two entities need each other. Waco ignores Baylor at its own peril. That said, Baylor University also has a facility crunch. Waco Hall stays booked and active most days of the year. So do the two larger theatre facilities in the theatre department whose seating capacities do not exceed 350. Jones Hall in the school of music seats 976, but stays pretty booked and is not an acceptable facility for theatrical presentation of any kind. There is dire need for more performance space for the various Arts organizations there. The Baylor Jazz Ensemble, the Baylor Film Department, the Baylor Opera, the Baylor Theatre Graduate Studies Department, and student recitals are always in need of available performance space. There's also a philosophical reason that they may want to move off campus. The Arts are one of the best ways that a university can reach out to and involve itself in a community, and by situating itself off campus and into that community they move one step closer to bridging that gap.

There are also occasional organizations that need a performance space. These are groups that don't have an explicit performance-oriented operation, but do from time to time offer public productions. These are groups like KWBU which occasionally screens documentaries, the Waco Library which shows films to accompany readings, the Junior League which hold fundraisers and organization-wide forums, and the City of Waco which offers lectures and meetings that would best be held in an auditorium setting.

It should be obvious to see by this time that there is a huge need for a facility like the Hippodrome. It should also be obvious that it is difficult for Waco's small Arts organizations to afford to rent such spaces, much less own them. But aside from the organizations that I've already mentioned, there are a number of other groups that would love to be able to use a large performance space but just can't. These are organizations such as dance schools, school choirs, and school drama programs. And there are also organizations that are trying to form or are on the verge of forming such as a film society and a civic chorus that would need performance space as well. Waco also lacks groups that other cities its size enjoy such as a small professional theatre company, a chamber orchestra, a ballet, and a light opera company. Those organizations would need a performance venue in order to be viable, and since none of them currently exist, quite a bit of fundraising would be needed before they could be ready for their inception and introduction.

Is there anyone out there who wouldn't want for all of the organizations that I mentioned above to have a robust performance schedule? Or to simply exist? Is there anyone out there who doesn't think that having those various performing groups operating year-round would make Waco a better place in which to live? Is there anyone out there who wants fewer options of what to see and do in Waco? I don't think so. I think this is something that we all want. We all want to have diverse Arts in our cities. We all want to have opportunities to introduce our children to such variety. We want those options.

But keep in mind all of the people that it took to run the Hippodrome. And remember that the Hippodrome closed primarily due to financial difficulties. Each of these Arts groups needs funding to stay in existence. I think I've pretty conclusively demonstrated that ticket sales alone aren't enough for any non-profit organization to survive. That's the reason there are so few for-profit theatre organizations in the country and most of them are on Broadway. For the rest of us, by definition we are making something available at below market value because we believe it makes the community better. No Arts organization in Waco can just "sink or swim" on its own without philanthropy, private donations, foundation assistance, grants, and government funding as well. And that's the toughest part of non-profit Arts math.

So the question Waco is left to ponder is, "Are you willing to do what it takes to have the kind of Arts a city like Waco deserves?" It's not an easy question. And I believe it is not the kind of question that only a few people in the city can answer on behalf of everyone. After all, that's how the Hippodrome got into such deep trouble: a hard-working generous few were left to shoulder the responsibility that should have been borne by the many. This is a conversation that needs to bring all of Waco together to decide. In my next post, I'll lay out my vision for the future of the Arts and the Hippodrome in Waco. I hope to hear from you in response to what I've written here as I prepare my thoughts for tomorrow. What other kinds of Arts would you like to see in Waco?

The Board of Directors

2010-03-08T09:38:00.003-06:00

I hope that these posts are proving helpful for anyone curious about the situation with and history of the Waco Performing Arts Company. I also hope that they provide some context for the difficult situation of growing, nurturing, and managing the Arts in Waco. It is certainly my hope that there is not only a future for the Arts in Waco, but a bright one and one that will surprise and please everyone there.

Some good news came out last Friday: The remaining three shows that are on the WPAC schedule will go on as planned. The problem that put them in jeopardy is the same that led to the cancellation of One Night of Queen, there wasn't enough money to pay for the shows. The way the business works is that a deposit is put down either at the signing of the contract or a designated date before the show day and the remainder is due immediately before the show goes on stage. That's because the touring companies know that ticket sales are needed in order to pay the fee. But the contract is such that their total fee is due no matter what. If the theatre cancels for any reason, they touring company is still due their total contract fee. So why didn't One Night of Queen go on? It's pretty simple: if the theatre can't pay the fee, they can't allow the show to load in and go on stage as if they could pay. Such action could be interpreted as fraud. What's different with the upcoming three shows is that Board members have been working ever since they had to lay off the staff to negotiate reduced fees for some of the shows, consolidated dates for one, and additional sponsorship dollars to help make sure they can pay the fees for the remaining three shows.

I tell that story as a lead-in to this post about the Board of Directors. In case you missed the action in the paragraph above, it was all handled by the Board of Directors. There is no Executive Director for the WPAC right now, so all of the action above from evaluating the theatre's ability to pay the show, to cancelling the show, to laying off the staff, to speaking with the press, to calling and notifying the remaining shows, to negotiating with them to continue their performance, to coordinating logistics for executing those shows, to raising money, to getting word out to the press again was handled by the Board of Directors. Remember that as I talk about who the Board members are.

For a non-profit organization in general and the WPAC in specific, the Board of Directors is a group of volunteers. They serve a variety of functions and different Board members are recruited for different reasons. Remember, no one owns a non-profit organization. The Board provides governance and oversight, and the staff manages the day-to-day operations. These Board members serve because they love the organization, they love the cause, they love their community, or all three. They all have different backgrounds and different strengths. Some of them have management experience, some have financial expertise, some know about theatrical programming, some are good volunteer recruiters, some are good fundraisers, some provide legal advice, etc. But there are tons of people like that all over the community. What distinguishes these people from others is their willingness to volunteer.

Think about a Board member who is a full-time teacher. She goes to work in our schools for 8-9 hours before coming to a Board meeting for another 2 hours. Or think about the accountant who volunteers to do what he get paid deservedly well for all day long. Think about the businessman who closes down his shop an extra half-hour for lunch to come to the theatre to sign checks or look over paperwork. There's no glamor to it. It's lots of time and lots of work.

So what has been their thanks lately? They've gotten badmouthed by a bunch of anonymous cowardly thugs on internet message boards. There are ignorant fools out there saying that somehow the Board is responsible for the theatre's closing and for "mismanaging" the organization and it's finances. Before I go into a rational, logical, and sensible explanation of why such accusations are nonsense, please permit me an emotional outburst: Any moron who tries to lay the blame for the Hippodrome's closure on the Board of Directors has abdicated their right to claim an informed or useful opinion. Any idiot who would say such things should immediately be dismissed and I'd recommend putting a few miles between yourself and said imbecile just in case stupidity is catching. Give such a person a few rocks to play with and get them outside of the city limits in an effort to raise the collective intelligence levels of Waco.

Okay, outburst over. The truth is not that the Board is responsible for closing the theatre, it's that they are responsible for keeping it open as long as it was. See, a Board of Directors can't change facts. They can only work with them and try to bring the best results from them. The facts that the Board has been dealing with are that the organization's debt has been growing ever since the Tuna fiasco, the facility is falling apart, and patrons are not responding well to this season's programming. They have been operating the theatre as best they can for the past three months without an Executive Director. And remember, this is a group of volunteers who all have other commitments. And their organizational structure is a disadvantage in this situation. The appropriate order of responsibility is that the Board of Directors invests the Executive Director with the responsibility of running the daily operations of the theatre. But without and ED, they must make all decisions together. One Board member can't just begin making executive decisions without the input of the others. That separation of power is necessary according to the Texas Non-Profit Act, and usually it is a very good thing. In this case it probably slowed down some decisions, but I'm not convinced outcomes would have changed if an executive officer were in charge.

These Board members didn't mismanage the organization's finances. They stretched each dollar as far as it would go. And when it could go no further, they did their duty and ceased operations. Remember, they're not serving their own financial interests in any way here. If anything, membership on the Board costs them money. They are serving the financial interests of the Waco Performing Arts Organization on behalf of the people of Waco. When someone would allege that they mismanaged finances, ask yourself, "To what end?" What possible motivation could they have for mismanaging finances that benefit them in no way and, if done, would hurt an organization that they love enough to pour their time, money, and talent into it? The answer of course, is that there is no such motivation and such an allegation is completely false. The theatre stayed open as long as it did because of the loving care, attention, and effort of these devoted volunteers.

My question to the critics, (as if it does any good to engage in conversation with people so incapable of abstract or complex thought... sorry... I guess I had one more outburst in me...), is, "Where were you when they asked for help?" Maybe you didn't have money to give, but could you have given of your talents and time the way they were? If you're so sure that they screwed up, I assume you have some solutions? Where were you to offer them?

I've stopped short many times of placing blame for the closure of the Hippodrome, but I do have some that I'll place right here. The closure of the Hippodrome is the fault of every person in Waco who had a good idea and failed to offer it. It is the fault of every person in Waco who claims to love the Arts but failed to buy tickets to something new or different. It is the fault of every person who allowed things like weather or television stand between them and live theatre. It is the fault of every person who loved theatre but failed to volunteer to help with a performance or serve on a committee. It is the fault of every business who could have filled a need that was made widely known by the WPAC but decided not to. It is the fault of every person who decided that a recession was a good excuse to neglect the Arts. In other words, it is the fault of everyone who chose to do nothing. Guess who that doesn't include? The people who did the absolute most of everyone in Waco to preserve and promote the Arts: The Board of Directors.

If you know any of them, thank them. Shake their hands, give them hugs, and offer to do whatever you can. Even though they don't bear the responsibility for the Hippodrome's closure, they are shouldering a lot of its weight due to their prominently demonstrated love.

Again, I apologize if I struck a less-than-professional tone with this post. Nobody knows better than I do how hard these people work and how deserving of praise and thanks they are. Tomorrow I'm going to do a little non-profit math to lay the foundation for my final post in this series about the future of the WPAC and the Hippodrome. I hope you are all off to a good week.

Marketing

2010-03-05T09:04:00.007-06:00

Recap: So far this week we've looked at the fundamental facility problems, the Tuna issue, the current season's programming, and the vexing problems with booking music acts. Now I'd like to talk about marketing. One repeated criticism, even going back to the time that I was there, was that we were not doing enough to get the word out about the shows.

First, I'll run down all of the things that we were doing while I was there that were still somehow not considered a sufficient job of promoting the shows. For each event we made it prominent and visible on our website, we put radio commercials on Star 92.9FM, we put television commercials on five channels with Time Warner Cable and five channels with Grande Cable, we put television commercials on KCEN-TV, we put ads in the Wacoan magazine, we put ads in Waco Today Magazine, we put ads in the Waco Tribune-Herald, we put posters up in shops and restaurants around town, we sent out mass marketing emails, we created Facebook events, we Twittered about the shows, and in my final season there we even put up billboards. And these efforts were greeted frequently with people telling me that we weren't doing enough to get the word out. Apart from stringing up banners across Austin Avenue or wearing a sandwich board at the Waco Drive/Valley Mills intersection, I'm not sure what more we could have done.

But before going in to the nuts and bolts of how the marketing was done and the challenges presented by it, I have a question: Does none of the burden for finding out what is going on at the Hippodrome or anywhere in Waco fall on the shoulders of the citizenry? I'm being absolutely serious. I live in Nashville, Tennessee now. There is something going on here all the time. I don't know this because they are all telling me about it; I know it because I investigate what there is to see and do. I go to Arts groups' websites. I read local magazines. I sign up for performance venues' email distribution lists. I don't rely on them to tell me when and what is showing. That said, they do get to me sometimes. And, on occasion, it is information that I didn't have about a surprise performer. But if I miss out on something that I would have liked to see, I regard it as my fault for not paying attention or doing my homework. So, to answer my question at the top of this paragraph, yes, I believe the audience bears just as much responsibility for knowing what is going on as the organization does for telling people about it.

Recently, gossip and comments on websites revealed a large number of people saying that the cure to the WPAC's lack of money and audiences was to do more marketing. Let's go over some of the costs of marketing a show, shall we? First of all, it was asserted a few times that surely all of the advertisers in Waco would do things for us for free. Umm... yes and no. Not for free. Some would work out a trade agreement with us for sponsorship of a season or an event. Let me begin by thanking the few who would. The Waco Tribune-Herald, Time Warner Cable, and Grande did. We got significant discounts from Star 92.9FM, The Trib, and Swift Outdoor Media. And we got a non-profit rate from KCEN-TV, Waco Today, and The Wacoan. But the idea that all of these organizations either just threw unlimited free advertising or would be willing to do so is absurd. They're for-profit businesses who have to make money. And all of those businesses have my gratitude and respect. None of the advertisers with whom we worked, with the notable exception of Lamar Advertising, ever failed to treat us with anything less than patience, respect, concern, and friendship.

So what does advertising cost? Well without saying exactly what any business actually charged us out of respect for their privacy, print ads in any publication run between $250 - $1000+ for an ad of a size that would be seen. Radio ads run between $5 - $20 per commercial. Television commercials cost between $30 - $250 per commercial depending on which show it is being run in. Billboards cost between $250 - $1500 per month. It all adds up. It really wasn't possible to promote a show on less than $4500, and that bill could easily exceed $6000+ just to get adequate coverage. So at the low price of $4500 with an average ticket price of $40, it took selling 113 seats just to pay for the marketing expenses. That's 113 out of a usable 700, which leaves only 587 seats left to sell to cover the artistic, administrative, and facility costs just to break even. If those 587 seats also averaged $40 per ticket, (and remember that these can't all be prime seats because comps have to be taken out for sponsors and for the touring company), that means all of the other costs could not add up to more than $23,480 if you wanted to break even. Since the other costs for an average Broadway musical easily tallied over $28,000+ you can begin to appreciate why just "advertising more" wasn't exactly an option.

I will spare you the particulars of the stories with Clear Channel and Lamar. Suffice it to say that they had fantastic opportunities to partner with us, work with us, and support us but instead chose to do business in such a way that actually hurt us and proved quite definitively that they were far more interested in seeming to be supportive of their community than in actually supporting it. And with such fantastic locally-owned options available to us in Star 92.9FM and Swift Outdoor, why would we continue to do business with the other type? We were fortunate to have the latter two as partners along with the other advertising avenues mentioned above. They all displayed a real sense of care and concern for the things that make Waco a better place in which to live, like the WPAC.

The stories of advertising entities being hostile towards us are few. Most were very helpful. But even under optimal circumstances, advertising shows is an expensive, time-consuming, difficult proposition. And it is made more difficult when many people don't take the responsibility of finding out what is going on in town for themselves. Those same people seem to be the ones who want to blame the non-profit for not spending more money, (that it doesn't have), to promote the shows. So while many people want to point the finger at a lack of marketing, as we've seen numerous times already, the problem is far more complicated than that.

I think I'll take the weekend off and return on Monday with a look at the Board of Directors and their role in all of this. After that I'll be taking a look at some non-profit Arts math and the future of the organization. Hopefully I'll be laying out an achievable bright tomorrow for the Arts in Waco. Have a good weekend.

The Trouble with Music Acts

2010-03-04T09:12:00.005-06:00

I've covered fundamental facility issues, Tuna, and the current season in the past three days. Now a bit more about programming. First of all, it's a very complicated process that is done over a year in advance in many cases. So it's hard to always get what you want. As I discussed yesterday, that's especially true with theatrical acts. But even with musical acts where you know the artists who are generally available and you can just pick them out and try to work out a date there are significant challenges. The greatest of them is financial, but money concerns aren't the only ones. Artists can fall through or come through at the last minute. So it can be difficult to balance a quality diverse lineup in any given year.

When people say that the WPAC's programming "lacks diversity," I suspect they mean that they want more popular music or comedy acts on stage. It's obviously not actually a critique of the diversity of the current lineup; it's very diverse. But the point is certainly taken that there are not a great deal of pop music or comedy shows on stage at the Hippodrome. The main reason for this is that almost every time it is tried it fails miserably. It's something that sounds good, and that people say they'll get behind, but experience teaches us differently. Take the recent One Night of Queen for example. No, it's not a true pop music show, but a tribute show to Queen for a town with lots of Baby Boomers who say they want music that they grew up on should have sold more than 200 tickets, shouldn't it? Even Ted Nugent didn't sell out the Hippodrome the last time he played there. The Chieftains didn't sell out the Hippodrome. Jim Brickman didn't sell out the Hippodrome. So what encouragement does the WPAC have to pursue these kinds of musical acts whose costs run between $20,000 and $80,000?

This is where my previous mention of "one-night-only math" comes in useful. Popular music acts cost money. First of all, the biggest names won't even play venues that have less than 3,000 seats. So there's no point speculating about the viability of presenting Alison Krauss, Taylor Swift, John Legend, or John Mayer. Most of the artists that you'd recognize and want to see who might come to a smaller venue like James Taylor, Aaron Neville, Bobby McFerrin, Rufus Wainwright, or Natalie Cole don't perform for less than about $40,000. Most are more in the $60k - $80k range. Please, go ahead and divide $40,000 by 929. Even a complete sellout requires an average ticket price of $43. But we know at least two things that we have to consider. The first is that every seat cannot be sold. The touring show gets a certain number of comps, the theatre has to give comps to sponsors, and some balcony seats just won't sell. So reduce that number of profitable seats to 700. That average price just went up to $57. The second is that the low estimate of $40k is only the artist fee. It doesn't cover the expenses of production which include stagehands, speakers, equipment, microphones, rigging, staging, and band costs. Let's conservatively say that's another $10k. Then you have to take care of the artists with hotels and hospitality. Another $1k. And you have to market the show. Very conservatively, we'll say another $6k. (More on marketing later.) So we're now up to $57k. We're now at an average ticket price of $81. And remember, that's an average. You can't sell upstairs seats at the same price as the downstairs ones. So orchestra seats are going to go for about $100. Are you, or is anyone, going to pay $100 for a seat at the Hippodrome? I didn't think so. But that's what it takes to just break even. There's not even any profit in that formula. Staff hasn't been paid, utilities haven't been paid, insurance hasn't been paid, and maintenance hasn't been paid. Not a pretty picture, is it?

So some say that smaller names should be booked. Maybe try to get up-and-coming musical acts from Austin or Nashville. Believe it or not, this was tried in the past. Dave Barnes, an indie hero of Nashville who enjoys great popularity in colleges like Baylor played a show in 2006 that was well-promoted at Baylor and around town and only drew 300 people. I tried to get interest in Eisley. They're a Texas-grown indie rock act that tours all over the country. I couldn't get even a whiff of interest in them from Wacoans. I could have gotten MuteMath, who now sells out arenas and is touring to support 30 Seconds to Mars, for $3000 back in 2006. I used email, Facebook, and word-of-mouth to try to generate interest and couldn't even get 20 people to say they'd be interested in coming to the show. I brought Shaun Groves, a Baylor grad who had a #1 hit on Christian radio a few years ago, in to do a show and 20 people showed up. I tried rock, I tried indie-rock, I tried Christian music, I tried gospel music. People in Waco never supported it. It seems they like the idea of having the option of going to see live music better than actually going to see live music.

Honestly, the churches were the biggest disappointments of all the audiences in Waco. Right after I started at the Hippodrome I surveyed everyone I could think of to see what they wanted to see. Every church employee I talked to, especially the youth ministers, all said that they needed shows they could take youth group trips to. They wanted Christian music shows. They were adamant about it and assured me that they would bring their entire youth groups. So I booked Shaun, Bebo Norman, and John Michael Talbot. I think between the three concerts there was a total of 500 people in attendance. When I came back to the youth leaders they said, "Organizing a trip was hard. We'll do better next time." After the loss that we incurred that first season, there was certainly not going to be a "next time" for Christian music shows.

So how about an up-and-coming musical act? Maybe one out of Austin or Nashville? First you have the problem of what to charge. Can you charge $20 for a band or artist most people don't know? I doubt it, but let's say you could. For a show that cost a total of only $10,000 that would somehow include all production, hospitality, and marketing, you would need 500 people to show up just to break even. Do you seriously believe that 500 people in Waco would show up for someone they've never heard of when 500 people didn't show up for Take 6?

No matter how many times I try to explain that the balance of popularity and affordability is precarious, no one seems to want to listen. The easiest way to say it is that if they're popular enough to sell-out we can't afford them, and if we can afford them then they're not popular enough to sell-out. It just doesn't work. If it were profitable to do popular music concerts in Waco, don't you think we'd have some competition from for-profit promoters? The Hippodrome was available to rent with full services for a concert to include ticketing and technical set-up for between $1200 and $2000. With a price that low, if there was money to be made in it why couldn't I get anyone to rent the theatre to give it a try? For the same reason that I was unwilling after a while to keep trying it: It's simply not profitable.

Many of the same rules above apply for comedy as well. How willing are you to pay $20 for a seat at the Hippodrome to hear a comedian you've never heard of? And that only breaks even if 500 people are willing to pay for someone they've never heard of and that comedian's show can be completely put together for under $10k. Neither Carlos Mencia nor Gabriel Iglesias nor Gallagher sold out the Hippodrome the last time they came. Rickey Smiley's show got cancelled by the promoter who had rented the Hippodrome on stage before it could start because there were only about 50 people in the audience. And those aren't small names. Major names in comedy routinely draw upwards of $50,000 for a show. I was negotiating with Jeff Dunham to come to the Hippodrome when the Coliseum got wind of my plans and outbid us for the show. They did the same thing with George Lopez. It didn't matter that the Coliseum was a terrible venue for comedy, they trumped us mathematically and I couldn't change the math. I couldn't make a larger financial offer; it was already going to be nearly impossible to turn a profit on those shows at the lower price that I was offering.

I hope you can begin to appreciate that when people say things like, "Bring more rock music," or "Do more comedy shows," or "find indie artists out of Austin," it's not as if these are ideas that hadn't already occurred to us. Nor are they ventures that we haven't already fully considered and vetted. There's a very good reason that such events aren't on the calendar. Wacoans didn't support them in the past, they didn't give any indication that their support would somehow change in the future, and even if they did it was still bad business financially.

Tomorrow I'll address the criticisms about a lack of promotions, marketing, advertising, and getting the word out about shows.

Programming Problems

2010-03-03T09:07:00.007-06:00

So far I've talked about fundamental facility issues and the Tuna incident. Now I'm going to do a couple of posts on programming. This one is a relatively short one about the current season.

A complaint quite in vogue lately is that this season's programming isn't any good. I have taken quite a bit of criticism for booking such a "sorry" lineup. This critique is predicated on the bizarre belief that I somehow controlled what shows were available and on tour across the country in a given year. More on that later. To the charge that the current season is inadequate or poor, I offer the following. Of Mice and Men is an American classic performed by the touring arm of the oldest professional theatre in America. Cirque Shanghai performs to sold-out crowds on Chicago's Navy Pier every summer. They're real Chinese acrobats who represent much of the artistry that was on display at the Beijing Olympics recently. Take 6 has 10 Grammy wins, 10 Dove Awards, one Soul Train Award and two NAACP Image Award nominations. Celtic Crossroads is an authentic Irish musical act that traveled to the States from Dublin. They're unbelievably talented and Southerners have a long history of love for Irish music. The Wedding Singer is a recent Broadway musical based on a hit movie. I fail to see how these shows are poor in any way. They may not each be to a person's particular taste, but they are by no means deficient.

Furthermore, a person can't really call himself or herself cultured, broad-minded, or an Arts patron in any sense without showing an interest in new experiences and performances that are outside of his or her knowledge or milieu. A responsible Arts organization recognizes that it has a responsibility to not only comfort people with shows that they already love, but introduce them to new works that they may grow to love or appreciate. I know that last part sounds a bit preachy, but on the one hand I do believe that it's true, and on the other... well... I am a preacher.

But there's a further dimension of programming that is even bigger-picture. As I said, I have taken a lot of heat over this season's programming. In the words of one commenter on a Waco news website:

"Stop blaming TUNA [sic], the blame should be with Scott Baker for booking such a lame season. Remeber [sic] Hairspray, the Producers, Annie, Drowsy Chaperone. [sic]"

**Sigh...** I'm not sure how many times I can explain this and in how many different ways, but let's try one more. When programming a season, all I can do is choose from among the shows that are available to come to Waco. The general process for a touring show is that it launches big accepting multiple-week runs in large cities such as Chicago, Dallas, New Orleans, and Nashville. Then after a year or so it starts taking split-week engagements in either those same cities for a return trip or to some smaller-markets such as Topeka, Richmond, and Huntsville. Only after a show has been out for a few years will it scale down its scenery and costumes to fit into smaller venues like the Hippodrome and accept one-night-only engagements.

What happened in 2008 when the economy tanked is that many of those shows that had scaled down and were looking at taking one-nighters pulled the plugs on their shows because they weren't as profitable, and others changed plans to fill the void by only accepting full-week runs in larger markets. So the roster of touring musicals for '09-'10 was vastly diminished. I'll say this again: the shows that are in Waco this season are literally the absolute best shows that were available to tour through Waco. I did not pass on Wicked, Mamma Mia!, and Beauty and the Beast to book the current season's lineup. What I did was try to select shows that were most likely to appeal to an audience that generally enjoyed Broadway musicals and good music. And had people given the current season a chance, they would have enjoyed themselves immensely. I've talked to plenty of people who have seen this season's shows. There are no complaints about quality and there are no complaints at all from the people who have seen the shows. So to say that the current lineup is my "fault" is ridiculous. To people who feel that way, I would suggest that their lack of broad cultured tastes in performances is their "fault."

Sorry if I got a bit riled up there, but I was personally and repeatedly attacked over this. The next post will be a more expanded discussion of why we don't line up a bunch of popular or up-and-coming music acts, and why we do what we do with programming in general.

The Tuna Issue

2010-03-02T08:59:00.003-06:00

So yesterday I talked about some of the fundamental issues that are always under the surface of running the Waco Performing Arts Company - especially issues surrounding the facility. Bear in mind, those problems are always in the background of the events that occurred the past few years. Every other challenge that has arisen has done so on top of those concerns. They can't be gotten around or forgotten, and they make everything more difficult.

But those issues alone didn't lead the WPAC to its closure last week. The current downward spiral began with the Tuna cancellation. Anyone who says that the Tuna mess can't be blamed for the current problems does not fully appreciate the situation. And I've heard plenty of people say that it's an excuse, or it can't possibly be to blame, or it's being overblown, or somehow the whole mess is my fault. Such an opinion simply reflects a lack of knowledge of the task of running the WPAC, the typical operations of the theatre, common performing contracts, seasonal structure, Waco in general, and this whole incident in particular.

Here's how the whole thing went down: Instead of our typical one-night-only showing, we booked five performances of Tuna. We did that because of how popular they have always been in Waco and how well they sold in the past. I was even talking to them about adding a sixth show before they were scheduled to play in September of 2008. So the economic impact of this show was to be five to six times greater than any other show would be. Also, I set them to open the season for us. There's a reason theatres and sports teams both make a big deal about the season opener. It sets the tone for the season. It brings in big numbers who can then easily be contacted and enticed to come back. It's easy to get someone to come back and repeat something when they just had a good time at it. And Tuna was sure to give people a good taste in their mouths for the next show.

So when they cancelled, they not only took away a good bit of revenue, they killed the momentum of the season opening. That would have been bad enough in any year, but with what then happened with the national economy, it proved disastrous. Refunds were processed as fast as possible for that show. The next show was Defending the Caveman. A show for which the entire marketing strategy was built around promoting it to the Tuna audience. I had floor graphics ready to print, handouts, commercials, follow-up emails, and mailings ready. It was scheduled for two shows. It would have been a breeze to get two audiences for it out of five or six from Tuna. Instead, it bombed and our season got off to a limping start.

So, a smart person would ask, why did I agree to reschedule that first show? Why did it have to be done? For those who either didn't know or don't remember, I didn't choose to reschedule the show; they requested it of me. I was told in no uncertain terms that if we didn't reschedule the show, and instead we held them to the contract that we had with them, it would bankrupt them. (This is where I point out as I have had to many other times that, yes, we did have a valid contract with them. Somehow rumors started that we didn't have such a contract. I assure you we did, and we entered it into evidence in the suit we eventually filed against them.) So having been told that if I made them honor the contract, as was my right, it would bankrupt them, I chose to do the only thing I really could: I agreed to reschedule the show. They set the dates in January and I agreed.

Then when they cancelled again in January, this time only two days before they were supposed to play, public opinion began to turn against us. Patrons and donors who would have felt for us and helped us in other circumstances now began to get angry and short. The problem, I think, is in a basic lack of understanding of the nature of the theatrical presenting business. Unlike a theatre company that casts local actors and produces a show locally, a touring house like ours contracts with independent agencies to send their shows to our town. The theatre hires the show as a service and then sells tickets to the public. But the relationship structure is important. The theatre has a relationship with both the touring show and the local patrons. But the local patrons only have a relationship with the theatre. So when there's a problem with a touring company showing up, the audience doesn't think abstractly enough to realize that their problems are really with the touring company and that the theatre is equally injured. They also cannot complain to anyone but the local theatre about their frustration and anger. No matter how many times we tried to explain to angry patrons that the Tuna cancellation was done to us and not by us, many of them not only displayed no understanding but no interest either.

And the reason we were told we needed to reschedule again? They said there was a flood that destroyed half the costumes for the show. A magical flood in the middle of a drought in Austin, Texas. When I asked to see proof of the damage from their insurance claim, I was assured it would be provided. When I asked that their insurance also cover all of our losses and the costs of rescheduling yet again, I was assured it would. When I asked that they provide a reschedule date immediately so that I could at least have something useful to tell our patrons, I was assured of it. And I got all of it in writing. They promised to cover damages and they provided the date in April. This is another common misconception. It was asserted that I was the one demanding that they accommodate our schedule by playing the April 2009 dates. Nothing could be further from the truth. They provided the dates and when I pointed out that they were already committed to be in California during those dates, I was told that they were rescheduling California for June and that they would definitely be in Waco in April. It was only later, when the theatre in California told me that not only would they not reschedule but that no one had even approached them about rescheduling that I had to give the Tuna group a deadline to avoid a suit. They ignored the deadline and ceased communicating with me despite my giving them countless opportunities to do so.

Further, we learned that they never had any intention of playing the dates in January either. Their crew wasn't contracted, their marketing coordinator was instructed not to speak to me, and they were impossible to reach leading up to the engagement. So while I could have been working on promoting other shows, writing grants, soliciting donors, caring for the facility, or doing any number of other things that would have actually helped the theatre, I was instead trying furiously and futilely to get ready for a show that they knew would not happen.

So the damages of Tuna's fraudulent actions against us began to multiply. When compounded with the challenges theatres across the country were and are facing with trying to maintain artistic integrity and audience interest amid economic downturn, the thrice-scheduled and thrice-cancelled Tuna show began the downward spiral from which the WPAC has not recovered. This is in answer to anyone who thinks the incidents are unrelated or that the Tuna cancellation cannot have been that big of a blow. It was more than financial. My staff spent weeks processing refunds, handling theatre preparation, promoting, and interacting with customers over a show that would not happen. And let there be no mistake or misunderstanding: we were lied to. They took advantage of my goodwill toward them which was extended because of the long good history that had existed up to that point between Tuna and Waco. They figured that they could do whatever they wanted to Waco and Waco would just be glad they showed up whenever they got around to it. They made cold, calculating, illegal decisions for the sake of making themselves a bit more money at the expense of honoring a contract with one of their oldest and most loyal supporters. And in the process of doing so, they succeeded in alienating many people in Waco from the WPAC. We did the best we could to explain the situation to local patrons, but many just wouldn't even listen after the second rescheduling. That loss of goodwill, combined with the financial loss, the loss of opportunity to present our season to the full houses that Tuna would have brought, and the loss of time that was devoted to cleaning up their mess instead of promoting and supporting our other shows was the catalyst for the present difficulties.

I am proud to represent myself and the WPAC in our lawsuit against them because I know that at no point in the entire process did I do anything wrong, illegal, or embarrassing. I have gladly made every part of this issue public record because every part of this issue supports my actions. Further, contrary to some rumors out there, refunds were issued to every patron who requested one. And I'm proud of that because it wasn't easy. We were counting on money from that show in September to help cover bills that were coming due for other shows later that season. Then we were counting on it in January to help us get back on track. Then we were counting on it in April just to survive. So, no, the refunds didn't go out as quickly as I would have liked them to. But the fact that they did get refunded, (and the latest ones that went out were issued just a few weeks after the show was scheduled to have played), and that the WPAC was still able to stay open and keep fighting is something of which the entire organization can be very proud.

If you have any questions about this issue, or if I didn't address something, please let me know. I know I didn't comment on every aspect of it such as soliciting patrons to donate the cost of their tickets rather than request a refund, which was as necessary as it was unpleasant. But I think I covered most of it here. Also, know that we're still in the midst of a lawsuit with them, so I can't comment on anything that isn't a matter of public record, but everything I've said here is a matter of public record that can be accessed by either reading the lawsuit we have filed in McLennan County or in the various newspaper articles that have been written on the subject. Tomorrow I'll talk about this season's programming.

The Hippodrome is Closed

2010-03-01T09:17:00.004-06:00

In case you hadn't yet heard, the Waco Hippodrome closed last Thursday. It was the facility managed by the Waco Performing Arts Company, the organization that I ran for four years of my life while at the same time trying to be newly married and complete a Master of Divinity degree. You can read the Waco Trib article about the closing event here. It was a huge part of my life that shaped me in ways that I am certain I have only begun to appreciate.

To say that I feel sadness, anger and loss is just the beginning. Let me be clear before I begin here, I don't blame anyone for the closure; and that includes staff, Board, and even myself. Does that mean that none of us bears any responsibility? Of course not. Situations like this cry out for simple answers that just aren't there. People are looking for either someone to blame or a singular cause of the recent closure. Unfortunately, neither exists. So what I propose to do here is to discuss at length some of the many issues that surround running the WPAC and a professional non-profit Arts organization in Waco. The reason for such a discussion is that I fear that the conversation about the WPAC has been too long dominated by sound-bites and incomplete information. I've found no shortage of opinions on everything from the facility, to programming, to management, to operations despite the fact that I doubt there is any person other than myself who can fully and intelligently comment on all aspects of each of those topics and more. So rather than allowing the discussion to continue uninterrupted with more misinformation, speculation, and rumor, I thought it good and necessary to digest some of the very complicated issues surrounding the WPAC with an inside point of view. Carl Hoover with the Waco Tribune-Herald has done an admirable job covering the WPAC over the years from a journalist's point of view, and he deserves much credit and thanks for his tireless advocacy for the Arts in Waco, but I thought I might have something valuable to add here as well.

I've discussed before some of the difficulties inherent in running the WPAC, and if you dig through my archives under the tags "Waco" and "Theatre" you can read even more. If you have a new question or problem, please feel free to leave it in the comments section and I'll be sure to address it soon.

For the first post here, we'll take a look at some of the fundamental problems. The real problems with the Hippodrome Theatre itself are two-fold: the facility is in deplorable condition and even at its best it is unsuitable for the needs of both Waco and the WPAC. Those are constants despite the numerous ups and downs of successful shows, economic collapses, changes in leadership, and the myriad other events of a theatrical life. To the first, the Waco Hippodrome was built in 1914. It's rapidly approaching it's hundredth birthday. It's been repaired and rebuilt on many occasions. The last major renovation was in the early 80's. It was billed as the rebirth of the Hippodrome, and so it was. But there were some serious oversights and flaws with that renovation which persist to this day. Those flaws included a leaky roof, too few womens' restrooms in the orchestra level, no structural integrity testing or repair work done to the exterior walls, and more. The leaky roof leaked, of course, which caused water damage to the ceiling above the audience and the interior walls. Mold grew, plaster crumbled, and finally bits of ceiling tile began to flake and fall on the audience. The roof was finally repaired in 2001, but by then the damage was done.

The exterior walls are only exterior by accident. Originally there were adjacent buildings on both sides. They were torn down, but the Hippodrome stood and its old interior separating walls just became exterior walls. They weren't treated or sealed in any way, so they wicked moisture from the ground and the air outside and began to fall apart. I was always worried that a brick was going to work loose and fall on someone; they were in such bad shape. And they certainly were at risk for holding up the entire structure.

I became somewhat obsessed with the facility shortly after I had been there for a year. At the time, all we could do was put band-aids on the problems and keep it working. Not long thereafter I uncovered full architectural renderings and engineering studies that had been done in 1993 although no action, apart from replacing the roof, had been done in response to those studies. Interestingly, the studies identified all of the same problems that I had. The problems had been known for over a decade, and some of the problems had been known even longer. I became determined to not allow them to be someone else's problem the way they had become mine. The Cooper Foundation generously gave us a grant to get a new full study done since no contractors could legally use plans as old as the 1993 documents for guidance. That study was supposed to have been done in the summer of 2008, but wasn't because we didn't get the grant in until the Spring of 2009.

These are only some of the many problems with the condition of the building. I've said nothing about the flooding in the basement, the faulty electrical systems, the failing HVAC, the decayed dressing room floors, and the hundred other problems that are pulling the facility apart. The reason to point all of these out is to impress the seriousness of the problem. It's not something that could ever be put on the back burner. But, as you can guess, neither is it something we ever had the financial resources to actually address. Instead, the problems with the rotting building just persisted alongside every other challenge. It was something that had to be addressed daily in whatever small ways we could. We could not simply focus on other things because, as I frequently pointed out, if we didn't have a theatre in which to perform, having great shows and big audiences wouldn't really matter.

But that leads to the second fundamental problem. Even if it were fully renovated, it would still be insufficient for the needs of Waco and the WPAC. It took the study to fully reveal that. Renovations couldn't alter the fact that the stage was at least 10 feet narrower than it needed to be at a minimum. Nor the fact that the dressing rooms were too small, the wing space was too narrow, the balcony seating was unacceptable, and perhaps most importantly that there were still only 929 seats. Given that any meaningful renovations would cost at least $2.5 million, we had to ask ourselves, "Is that money well spent?" In other words, if we could somehow raise that kind of money, is it really good stewardship to spend it on a project that wouldn't ultimately address our needs? Obviously the answer is no. And you can now appreciate some of the existential dilemma of the Waco Hippodrome.

A final note on the seating capacity problem: you have to bear the mathematics of the seating in your head whenever you consider any performance or any show. But not with the number 929. You see, the balcony is horribly uncomfortable. It's got a great view and it sounds great up there, but it's cramped and it smells like mildew. Those seats are nearly un-sellable. So you're really talking more like 700 seats. Which is why various attempts have been made, including this past season, to expand our offerings to two-night exhibitions instead of our typical one-night-only. One-night-only economics don't work there. More on that later.

So those are some of the fundamental issues and concerns. Next I'll talk about the Tuna debacle and what impact that incident had on the past year and a half.

Recent Conversations With My Wife

2010-01-13T22:07:00.002-06:00

Over dinner:

Scott: Forky thinks you're the nicest person on the planet!

Beeki: Oh. You don't tell him much about me, do you?

While watching The Biggest Loser:

Beeki: You know, these people burn a lot of calories every week crying.

Scott: Yeah, but it's all water weight.

Legacy

2010-01-12T17:58:00.008-06:00

So an editorial was published in the Waco paper today that said some very nice things about me. Considering how difficult the last year there was for me, it made me feel very good.

Then, right on cue, the anonymous troll came out to say some not nice things in the comment section of the online version. And in general, I don't really care what people think about me. But in this instance there are a few things that sadden me. The first is that the person decided not to comment on the thrust of the story, which was the need for a good candidate in that position in the future; this person decided to just try to criticize me. The second is that this is almost certainly someone I know who just lacks the courage to sign their name to their criticism. And that leads to the third, that when something like that happens, it becomes obvious that this person isn't interested in helping the WPAC, figuring out what actually is going on, or - most helpfully - actually contributing to find a solution to the problem. And that's sad.

And I really don't care about defending or defining some kind of legacy. But facts actually matter. And one thing I've learned over the past few years is that it's just not possible to read a newspaper story and think you're in a position to understand an issue entirely - let alone form a useful and intelligent opinion on the matter.

Why don't people actually talk to each other? Why do people say such horrible things about other people behind the cowardice of a pseudonym online that they would never say to a person's face? Why do people talk at people rather than to them or with them?

I faced this midway through my time at the WPAC. There was a board member who thought he and his fiancé should be running the organization, so he started convening meetings about me behind my back and actively trying to distort my record and the facts. He lied. And it caused quite a bit of angst and lost progress for the board. And the most senseless part of all was that had he bothered to ask me to address the issues straight up, it would have become patently obvious that there was little substance to any of his complaints.

Allow me to demonstrate the uselessness in talking at people and ignoring facts. Here's what the troll said versus the truth:

Troll: "While last season was a great season, he programmed one of the poorest seasons in recent memory."

Truth: The current season is far from poor. It features musicians from Ireland, acrobats from China, an American classic play, a recent Broadway musical, country music, children's shows, and more. Yes, it's lacking in big-name Broadway hits. But that's because there aren't any available that Waco can afford that haven't been through in the past few years already. That's a consequence of what the economy has done to the theatre industry. But this season was programmed to appeal to people who like Broadway musicals knowing that there weren't many Broadway musicals available.

(See how much easier it is to just say something rather than have to defend it?)

Troll: "He did away with the Popular Broadway shows, and brought a Magic show and a Cirque Knock-off."

Truth: If Mamma Mia and Spamalot were available, believe me, I would have booked them. I don't know how many other ways to say this: They. Were. Not. Available. And a magic show? That was last season. And that magician was awarded his industries' highest award the day he played in Waco. Not exactly a slouch. As for a "Cirque Knock-off," if this person is referring to Cirque Shanghai, which played in November, it's hardly a knock-off. It plays constantly in China and plays to sell-outs two months a year on Navy Pier in Chicago. Not bad.

Troll: "I about choked when I read that Take 6 was contracted for $20,000, maybe in Fort Worth , but that was way too much to pay for a Waco Show."

Truth: Take 6 was contracted for $10,000. Pretty simple stuff there. Now, the fee paid to an artist isn't the only cost of presenting a show, of course. There are marketing costs, technical costs, tech labor, hospitality, etc. But, still, this is what happens when someone decides to form an opinion without all the facts.

Troll: "Take a look at the Quality of Shows offered at the Galveston Opera House. Most of these acts are driving and pass within 40 miles of Waco to thier next date. Why not look at those shows."

Truth: Okay, let's look at them. "Ballet Folklorico de Mexico" The WPAC had booked them about six years ago and no one came. They were even sponsored by the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. "The Oak Ridge Boys" With only 943 seats, and a booking cost of over $25,000, even selling out the theatre at an average ticket cost of $25, we couldn't even cover the artist charge without even addressing the other costs. And I would never believe they'd sell out in Waco. "Riders In The Sky" See my comments on The Oak Ridge Boys. "Leading Ladies" I almost booked this one. But with how Waco didn't turn out for "Of Mice and Men," why would they turn out for a play they've never heard of? And the financials would be the same as Oak Ridge Boys. "Porgy and Bess" I proposed this two years ago and was met with such a collective groan that I quickly gave it up. "Hairspray" Was just here three years ago. "Neil Berg’s 101 Years of Broadway" Is coming to Waco in April. And on... and on... and on... I think I've made my point. The commentor didn't think this through at all. It was just convenient, if no one examined it, to badmouth me.

Troll: "We do not need a full time/paid person to interact with the Schools."

Truth: Nor do we have one. We do have a part time person whose duties include educational interaction. But that's a far cry from what nonsense was alleged.

I'm not even sure why I wrote this post. I learned long ago not to engage fools and cowards on internet message boards. So if I was going to respond, I would always want to do it here rather than there. And this isn't really a "response." I guess you could consider it commentary on a subject that saddens me greatly. And maybe consider it a plea to treat each other better. We have to be better than this.

I hope the best for the WPAC. They know that.

Be well.

Crackhead's Dream

2009-12-29T11:18:00.003-06:00

I report the following in all sincerity. I swear it. I could not make this stuff up.

My mother, The Crackhead, told me about her dream last night:

Crackhead: There was a little Hispanic man who flew out of my cupboard on a loaf of poppyseed bread to go do good in the world.

Me: ... ... ...

Christmas Music

2009-12-22T09:10:00.000-06:00

I've been struggling with Christmas music this year more than most. I have this self-imposed ban on listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving. I so enjoy Christmas music, that I refuse to over-indulge. I want it to remain special. And I kept to it this year. But I lost my iPod earlier this year, so I've had to listen to most of my Christmas music on the radio. Hence, my problems.

Here is my main problem with what I've heard: there are far too few artists who can interpret a song correctly these days. This doesn't show up as much as it should in most pop music because the songs are so poorly written that it doesn't matter if the singer has any grasp of artistry. But in some of the well written songs that are traditionally associated with Christmas music, an artists' flaws and shortcomings become glaringly obvious.

First I tuned in to the pop station. And mostly what I heard is artists who don't understand Christmas. They sing about Christmas with a vague sense that they need to put some feeling into the songs. But if that's you're starting point, please make it your stopping point as well. From what I know about pop stars' personal lives, (which is less than I could know, thank God), they don't have happy homes or traditional families. So they sing songs about happy family memories at Christmas time with all the honesty that I could put into a song about ridin' dirty and smackin' bitches up. Every syllable of their version of Christmas songs drips with effort and emotion. But when everything has the same emphasis... it's not emphatic. Big lush arrangements attempt to overcompensate for honesty. And it doesn't work.

And that's on the traditional and religious songs. On the pop Christmas songs, the shortcoming is the material. I don't want to hear songs about shopping and holiday stress. Those things suck. Why do we have songs about them? And why is it so hard to write a new good Christmas song? I don't think pop music has produced a decent one since Mariah Carey's, "All I Want for Christmas is You." And that one's merely decent.

Then there's the "Christian" musicians. These are supposed to be the people that "get it." First of all, there's virtually no difference between the music they're playing on "Christian" radio and what the pop stations are playing. The only difference is the artists. And all the "Christian" "artists" sing about Christmas like it's sex. They grunt and growl their way through over-produced shlock, overcompensating for a glaring lack of talent. When they sing about the birth of Jesus, it sounds like they're trying to get into somebody's pants. The subtext of their singing style screams, "I'm cool! I'm hip! I sound like a real singer on the radio!" But they're wrong. They stink.

Are there exceptions? Of course. But these over-generalizations are brought to you courtesy of the preponderance of evidence in their support by simply turning on the radio dial. I realize that I'm very open to criticism here for not naming specific artists. That's okay. I'd rather be guilty of that than badmouth real people.

I need to find some time to sit down and listen to some of my favorites: The Cambridge Singers, Amy Grant, Mindy Smith, John Denver and the Muppets, Bela Fleck, The Chieftains, Pavorotti, and Ralph Vaughn Williams.

And if I never hear that God-awful "Happy Birthday, Jesus" abomination again, I'll die a happy man.

A Recent Conversation with My Wife

2009-12-17T09:54:00.000-06:00

The setting: Beeki has been trying to train me to close my closet door. It's sort of working. Ish.

Beeki: Do you know what the first five letters in the word "closet" are?

Me: "Close?" (Pronounced: Claws)

Beeki: I'm going to be made a saint for this. What do you call that?

Me: Canonized?

Beeki: Oh, sure. So you know that word...?

Me: You're pretty.

Call Back

2009-12-16T09:43:00.000-06:00

So today I had a call back for a commercial. The spot? A cell phone commercial. I was auditioning for the role of the spokesperson. Like the Verizon "Can you hear me now" guy. It'd pay well and have the possibility of lots of recurrences. And it'd be fun. I'd be a minor celebrity.

Oh, did I mention that I would have to be naked in the commercial? Yeah. There's that.

You know, with strategically placed items in the foreground.

So anyway, I get a call from my agent yesterday letting me know about the callback. It went like this:

Agent: So they want you at the callback for Naked Guy.

Me: That's great! What do I need to do?

Agent: Just show up at 10:45am. And wear the same thing you wore to the first audition.

Me: Really? The same thing? Really?

Agent: Hmmm... yeah. Shouldn't be too hard, huh?

Me: Yeah, maybe you should phrase it "take off the same things you took off to the first audition?"

So that's what I did today. That and got dressed up like a grownup afterwards and went to a board meeting where I totally pretended to be a mature professional.

Little does anyone know. Some know me as a streaker for hire. Others as a semi-respectable professional. Still others as a nearly-invisible interpreter. And even others as a preacher! Bwaa haa haa!

I'm sleepy.

Wacoan of the Year

2009-12-07T08:10:00.000-06:00

As most of you know, I was named the inaugural Wacoan of the Year two years ago. The newest man to hold the title is a friend of mine and one whose accomplishments dwarf mine into insignificance. Nevertheless, he recently Facebooked me requesting a letter of advice for the incoming WOTY.

I couldn't help myself.

Fortunately, that's exactly what he had in mind. So without further ado, I give you my letter to the incoming Wacoan of the Year:

Dear Mark,

First of all, I hope it is plainly understood that the advice and information I am writing you here should NEVER, under any circumstances, reach the general public. We are selected to lead and inspire, and if everyone knew how truly superior we are to the average Wacoan, it would only depress them. So as long as we're clear that this letter is to remain completely private and is never to be read by another Wacoan, I'll proceed.

Congratulations, grasshopper. For the duration of one year, you will be the holder of the title "Wacoan of the Year." (Naturally, since I was the inaugural WOTY, I retain the title in perpetuity. All subsequent holders are merely honorary ones. We're clear on that, capice?) You have reached the highest of heights. You have floated to the top of the Brazos. You have hit the high note on the Hippodrome stage. You have topped the final rung of the tallest ladder atop the Alico. You are the man.*

Now, becoming WOTY bestows you with awesome powers and abilities. You always know the answer to the question, "Where's Freddie." You become one of the keepers of the secret formula of Dr Pepper. If you find yourself at the back of any line, just say, "Don't they know who I am?" and you'll be moved right to the front.** You understand that in much the same way that odor is added to methane for our safety, the Waco water taste is added for everyone's benefit. Every time there is a natural disaster or other major threat to the city, you will be spirited away to the secret bunker underneath Ridgewood. It's all pretty cool.

And let me confirm some rumors: Yes, being WOTY comes with some perks. Among them is of course access to the VIP lounge on the top floor of the Alico. (The key should be where Bobby and I left it: buried in the "grave" of William Cowper Brann.) You get a free glass of wine every time you go to the Green Room. (Be sure to tell Davin I told you about that one.)*** You get a free membership to Cottonwood Creek as long as you are willing to climb the fence at night. Rosetree Floral will make sure that there is a path of rose petals leading you every step of your daily journey. And the mouth-breathers who badmouth you in the comment section of the Trib website will become increasingly incoherent as your WOTY powers grow and mature to the point where they will no longer even be able to form complete sentences.

But all is not sunshine and bluebonnets; there are some serious tasks for you. Continue my fight to rid the airways of the Clark Motors and Mike Knight television commercial abominations. Keep lobbying the Starplex to clean the headrests on their seats for the first time. Help Baylor in their obvious agenda to form a shadow government that really runs Waco. Find a way to eat one of each kind of pancake at Cafe Cappuccino in one sitting. Get Bush's to prove they don't lace their chicken with crack.

This is all but a taste of what you have to look forward to. Go forth boldly. Tell everyone I say hello. Wear the sash and tiara of the WOTY with pride. Don't point out to anyone that if they look carefully at the photo spread of me in the December '07 issue they'll notice that my fly is down. And next time I'm in town I'll teach you the secret handshake.

Sincerely,

Scott Baker
Wacoan of the Year in Perpetuity

* - Not to be confused with "The Man." Without the WOTY title, being "The Man" in Waco is a very very very bad thing. It means you're the one keeping everyone else down. You cause the mold in the Brazos. You keep TAKS scores down in WISD. You make sure the police force is too small. You serve on a non-profit board. And you probably have something to with Baylor.

** - So far, this has yet to work out of town. Not for lack of trying. It also fails to impress my wife.

*** - Unless, of course, there is another Baylor employee present. In which case Davin will bring you some "grape juice."

The Splits

2009-12-04T20:46:00.004-06:00

Remember a while back when I told you about my embarrassing dance-related injury at my brother's wedding reception? The one I sustained after officiating the ceremony while dancing in the circle to "Billie Jean?" The one I still haven't completely healed from?

I found a picture.

I'm sure to have a better one in time. This one's grainy. And not exactly "legal." But until my brother actually sends me a copy, it's the best I can do. Enjoy:

"... she's just a girl who thinks that
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

Beeki's Confused

2009-11-16T10:23:00.003-06:00

You read that right. My sweet, beautiful, intelligent wife is confused. About one thing? Nay. There's a bit of a chronic problem. See... she has trouble keeping famous people straight in her head. (There's a delicious double-entendre there... but let it pass.) She often confuses one movie star for another and can never remember their names. She'll attest to the truth of this fact. She says it's because some of them look alike or their names are close to each other. I'm not so sure...

So for the past few months I've been collecting a list of the ones she most commonly or easily mistakes for one another:

Burt Reynolds = Richard Burton
Ian McKellan = Richard Harris
Samuel L. Jackson = Lawrence Fishburn
Rachel Weisz = Kate Winslet
John Leguizamo = Luis Guzman
Al Pacino = Roberd DeNero = Dustin Hoffman
Jennifer Connolly = Kate Beckinsale
Cuba Gooding Jr. = Terrance Howard
Robin Thicke = Michael Bublé
Bertrand Russell = Russell Brand

But it's not just limited to movie stars and singers. Here's where it starts to get weird...:

Gilbert & Sullivan = Sanford & Son
Cracker Barrel = Golden Corral
Andrew Jackson = George Custar = Stonewall Jackson

And, in my opinion the most egregious of them all:

Sojourner Truth = Mrs. Butterworth

I'm still not sure what to do with all this. But Beeki gave me full permission to post this to see what response there is. She's convinced that she's not the only one who gets some of these mixed up. I think the Mrs. Butterworth thing has to some kind of birthday gift to Freud.

At any rate, it's hilarious. And that's the point.

Nard Dog

2009-11-12T12:17:00.005-06:00

Some of you may have followed my Twitter account of my big brother Brentski's wedding. It was a couple of weeks ago. I officiated. All went well.

Until the reception. And there... it's not so much that things went wrong... it's just... I got hurt. See it happened like this: the DJ was great. And everyone was dancing. And because it was Brentski's wedding, the music was heavy on the 80's. And then Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" came on. And a dance circle formed. And I bid my time until close to the end. I jumped in the circle and began to show off the moves. Then it came time for my signature move: the splits. And they were perfect. Except the part where I tore my hamstring.

But don't worry. I played it off. No one knew. I didn't even limp. That night. I saved the limping and the grunting and the wincing for the next day. It's only now beginning to really feel better.

You may ask, "Why tell everyone? If you were so brilliantly able to play it off and no one was the wiser, why tell? When everyone thinks that you are King of the Dance Floor*, why let it out?" Valid questions. Simple answer: it was too funny not to share. That I sustained a dance-related injury in the circle at my brother's wedding reception to "Billie Jean?" Brilliant. Too funny. And I'm right.

I would say that you can't write that kind of stuff, but last night Beeki and I were catching up on this season of the Office on the DVR. And the wedding episode came. And the dance in Andy Bernard's room. And the dance circle. And the splits. And his injury. It should be noted though, that he tore his scrotum and I merely tore my hamstring. BIG difference.

So what we should all take away from this is thus: I am an awesome dancer. I am hilarious. I have a healthy sense of humor sharing this story. I am inadvertently a writer for The Office**.

(Above): Andy Bernard. Not me. But the look on his
face is how I felt inside even though I looked
awesome and cool on the outside.

* - Verifiable fact
** - Uncredited and unpaid. So far.

Rare

2009-11-11T15:59:00.003-06:00

What many of you may not know is that there aren't a whole lot of male interpreters. Even fewer are the straight male interpreters. So I'm rare. And popular. Especially with the ladies. (Confession: really just the middle-aged deaf ladies.)

Or as my father-in-law put it, "So you're popular with the deaf cougars!"

And I do love to shake my money maker* for them.

* - my hands

I'm Baaaa-aaack...!

2009-11-10T22:43:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's true. I took some time off and my life has changed quite a bit since I last checked in. There's a new address here and everything! (In case you followed a link here, be sure to change your bookmark or RSS to http://greatscottbaker.blogspot.com/) And, yes, I've abandoned the Tumblr experiment. I'm afraid I'm a bit too verbose for that to work.

So what's new? What's changed? Where to begin? First of all, Beeki and I are in Nashville, TN now. We've been here four months and have already had many foolish adventures. I've been working as an interpreter for the Deaf all over the city. It's been hard to talk about it via Twitter and Facebook because of the strict confidentiality requirements that come along with being an interpreter. But, I have been giving it a great deal of thought and I've come up with some creative ways to give you insight into what I get myself into. After all, how can I not let you in on things like the time a security guard introduced me to another security guard as the "guy who does the interpretatin' for the blind"? I know. I must share. And I shall.

Also, I just got some big news that's been brewing for quite some time. I've just been named the Director of Development for the Nashville Shakespeare Festival! It's been in the works for quite some time, and it's just been made official. I'll get started within the next few days or so and then I begin rolling in the dough for the Bard. My first duties will include getting ready for a January production of The Tempest and next summer's Shakespeare in the Park presentation of Love's Labors Lost. I'm really excited and can't wait to get started.

Beeki has been doing really well too. She just directed a production of Love's Labors Lost for a private school. Actually it was two private schools, an all-boys school and an all-girls school. They got together for the show. I know, kind of perfect for LLL, right? It played the weekend of Halloween and was really very good. I've included a picture from the show here. (Photo courtesy of Jim Thomas.) You can, of course, follow all of Beeki's adventures on her blog here.

The Shakes production was her second gig here. Earlier this summer she assistant directed a reading of a new play by Ted Swindley of Always... Patsy Cline fame. She was actually working with Mr. Swindley whom we found out was a fellow Baylor grad. He took a liking to Beeki and we hope they get to work together again soon.

She's looking forward to more directing work soon, and in the meantime she'll be helping the Nashville Shakes out with some teaching artist responsibilities and some educational booking assistance. In the spring she begins work as an adjunct professor at Lipscomb University teaching in their theatre department.

Bert and Ernie have adjusted pretty well. They were very disoriented when we first got here, but they're fine now. Also, we've discovered that they're racist. They bark at all of our Asian, Indian, and black neighbors more than the white ones. We are ashamed. They're also working on an art photo series recreating famous scenes from Shakespeare. I have their first entry here.

Romeo and Juliet Act V scene iii

Well, at any rate, that's the 'here-we-go-again' post. I'll be posting again regularly here from now on. You can also follow me on Twitter @greatscottbaker. There's some more big news on its way about a new writing project I'm starting. More soon!

We're Off!

2009-07-07T15:18:00.001-05:00

Okay, this is it. We're packing up everything loose right now. That means the computer gets unplugged. We leave for Tennessee tomorrow morning. I'll post again once we unpack the computer. Maybe that's this weekend, maybe next week... who knows?

Until then, follow me on Twitter. I'll have lots of stupid updates. I promise to do some foolish things and then tell you about it. Find me @thecachinnator.

See you in TN!

"Plans"

2009-07-05T21:04:00.000-05:00

It's moving time, Cachinnatees. I've completed my work at the Waco Performing Arts Company. I got my successor ready and I stabilized the organization beyond what should have been possible. Now Beeki and I are headed to Nashville, TN. We leave on Wednesday.

What are our plans, you ask? Well... it depends on what you mean by "plans." If by "plans" you mean a place to live, jobs, and such... then... no. We have no plans.

But if by "plans" you mean grand dreams and hopes, then we've got plans! We're out to make a difference in our world. We're out to see Art and Ministry go together without embarrassing church dramas and bathrobes on Joseph and Mary. We're out to create good Art and great Theatre. We're out to make sure that we leave things better than we found them.

We'd like jobs too, but whatever. I can always con my way into a job. We're not worried. I'll keep you posted. Wish us luck, and we'll see you in Nashville!

My Coin Purse

2009-06-16T22:04:00.000-05:00

The coin purse on the left has been my constant companion for thirteen years. Let's put that in perspective, shall we? I've had that coin purse over twice as long as I've known my wife. When I got that coin purse, Clinton hadn't yet begun his second term. I bought that coin purse a decade before anyone would use the idiotic word "metrosexual." Since buying that coin purse, I've received a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree and a Master of Divinity degree. I've been licensed as an interpreter for the Deaf and as a minister. I've successfully run a business and performed in New York City. That coin purse has traveled from Texas to Spain. It's older than a Jonas Brother and only a few years younger than Mylie Cyrus. It's a teenager.

So what's the story, eh? Why's it so important? It's important because I bought it at Georgetown Leather after graduating from high school. I needed a place to hold all my change because, like any person with half a clue, I realized that carrying around a bunch of loose change in my pocket was stupid. But I needed something masculine. After all, I was about to pursue a career in musical theatre.

So I chose this one. Leather. Brown. Sturdy. Masculine. Did I throw it away when one of the pins came out of the hinge? Nope. Check out that far left hinge. I just twisted off a little paper clip in it and pretended nothing happened. Did I toss it when the seam on the right side split? Nope, I just turned it hole-side-up in my pocket. It still worked... ish.

But, I've reached a time in my life when I'm having to let go of things. I need to move on. In a few weeks I move to Nashville, Tennessee. It's a new start for me. And let's face it, the world is a different place. I don't carry as much change anymore. I use debit cards and what not. But even though it's time to finally say goodbye to my manly little coin purse, I'll never forget how it outlasted governments and girlfriends, degrees and jobs, states and nations, and of course pennies and quarters.

God bless Georgetown Leather. God bless Potomac Mills Mall. And God bless America.

Roots

2009-05-28T01:16:00.000-05:00

Beeki and I are in the process of moving, so there's not much time for blogging these days. But I came across this video courtesy of my father, The Colonel. As many of you know, my mother is from Waco, TX. While that may seem a foreign or strange place to some of you, it's nothing compared to where my father comes from. He was raised in Nazareth, Israel. I was blessed to live in Israel when I was a child, and I have many fond memories of Nazareth. I'll share more about my family history there, but for now, check out this video portrait of the city that makes up half of my family roots:

The Bubba Keg

2009-05-15T01:25:00.000-05:00

Completely unedited. I could not make this up.

I Can't Deal

2009-05-12T23:54:00.000-05:00

I just can't deal anymore. The world has gotten too crazy for me. I have lost my ability to tell when Forky's full of crap. The actual news is so strange that I have no idea what's actually true.

A few weeks ago, Forky and I are talking, and he starts yammering on about "swine flu." I think it's the funniest thing I've ever heard and proceed to nickname it 'baconitis.' I tell him that I have no idea what he's talking about, but it sounds delicious.

Later that day, I turn on the news and realize he wasn't full of crap at that particular moment.

Then tonight he calls me and starts talking about how the FDA was cracking down on Cheerio's. I again laugh and mock him before making a shocking confession: I've been freebasing Cheerio's for years. I can't be stopped. I'm a Cheerio fiend.

Minutes later, I again turn on the news only to be confronted by the truth of his story.

Can't. Do. It. Can't take it anymore. I couldn't make up swine flu or an FDA crackdown on Cheerio's. Reality is way too close to Forky's bullcrap.

Have I mentioned how a reputable theatre company violated their contract, lied to me repeatedly, committed fraud, cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars, threw my theatre into chaos, threatened to undo the past four years of work that I've been doing, and sullied my reputation with my audiences?

Yeah. So I've been a bit busy. I've been Twittering, but not blogging. I just haven't had the attention span for more. Now Beeki and I are getting ready to move to Nashville. No, we don't have jobs or a place to live. I don't even really know what I'm going to do. Meh. Details. Beeki graduates with her MFA this Saturday, on my 31st birthday. And on Monday, I start bootcamp to try to get in shape.

I'll probably have a lot more to say in coming days and weeks about getting ready to move and transitioning to Nashville. Hope you're all well.

CDs for Sale

2009-04-26T21:58:00.000-05:00

The Cachinnator's entire CD collection is for sale. Email me if you'd like a copy of the list. Seriously, there's every genre here. Broadway musicals, opera, 80's metal, oldies, CCM, pop, etc. And they're cheap.

Global Cachinnation

2009-04-24T12:33:00.001-05:00

The Cachinnator is now available for translation into Hindi. To all of my readers in the Indian Subcontinent, "You're welcome."

Play Along

2009-04-20T12:53:00.001-05:00

I'm pretending to be on an exotic vacation today. Follow along via Twitter or Facebook.

I am Dracula

2009-04-17T15:37:00.001-05:00

This Sunday, I'll be reading the part of Dracula in a new play. It has its first public reading at 7:30pm Sunday at Baylor Theatre. You should all totally attend if you can. Follow along on Twitter or check the feed to the right for more details. Below is the footage I'm using as my inspiration for the role:

Twittering from the Titanic

2009-04-11T13:55:00.000-05:00

Cachinnatees, tonight Beeki and I shall partake in a Titanic Dinner. What's that, you say? Well, it's a re-creation of the last meal served above the Titanic. It's eleven courses, each with its own drink pairing.

It may be the greatest eating experience that can be had.

We did it last year. You can read about it here and here.

So this year, I'll be doing something a bit different: I'll be Twittering from the Titanic. For all of you who can't be there... and let's be honest... that's all of you, you can experience it through me and Beeki!

If you aren't following me via Twitter, now would be a good time to do so. Just click the link to the right or find me as thecachinnator. As if following the Titanic Dinner wasn't enough, where else are you going to hear about theatre in Waco, randomness downtown, grown men gladly downing girly drinks, and the fattoo parlor? That's what I thought. Follow along, people.

Today on The Poprah

2009-04-08T20:58:00.000-05:00

So today on The Poprah, Beeki was watching couples going through marriage troubles because one of them lost their job, their six-figure income, and their butler. The economy is forcing them to... *gasp*... do their own laundry!

But there was this one couple that disagreed over why the wife was so unhappy after she lost her job. The husband said, "Ummm... I think it's all in her head."

Beeki looks at me and says, "Uh-uh. You do not out your wife on Oprah."

To which I responded with a series of statements that went like this:

"Oprah... I think Beeki's crazy."

"Oprah... I think Beeki's nuts."

"Oprah... I think Beeki's cuckoo."

"Oprah... I blame Beeki's sleep toots for my morning confusion and fleeting psychosis."

We found this funny... but only because we both knew that if I actually said those things to The Poprah, I'd die. A horrible painful death. Assisted by women everywhere.

F. Y'all's I.

2009-04-05T17:56:00.000-05:00

So the vast majority of you thought I would play the doctor who told the little girl she was going to die. It wasn't even close! No one even suggested that I might have played... I don't know... her guardian angel or something. Or a nice neighbor who made pancakes for her. Or her big brother who pushed her out of the way of oncoming traffic or something.

Thanks a lot.

But, yes, I did play the doctor who tells her she's going to die.

Jerks.

I could have saved her life! Or something. I'm good.

Dammit.

New Poll!

2009-03-26T23:56:00.000-05:00

So I told you a few days ago that I was in a movie this past summer. And then it was your turn to guess who I played in the movie. Well, now theres a poll on the right where you can vote from among the suggestions. Up for vote are:

- A Druggie
- The doctor who tells the girl she's going to die
- A Nazi
- Repair guy porn star
- The little girl

Vote away. And by the way, thanks for all the confidence that I could have been a good guy. This should be interesting.

Twitter

2009-03-25T21:28:00.000-05:00

So... now I Twitter.

I resisted for a very long time.

But then I thought of my grandfather. See, my grandfather calls me every now and then. I always answer, because he's 90 and I'm afraid he's dead. (Well aware that if he were dead he couldn't call me. But someone else could be dead. Or someone else could be calling me on his phone with the bad news. I'm just being honest about what goes through my head.) But he's never dead, he just can't figure out his email or Word.

And trying to talk him through it - over the phone - is a bit like teaching a blind person to read an African clicking dialect. Over the phone.

I don't want to be like that over the years. I'd like to stay somewhat current. Ergo: Twitter.

I'm hip. I'm with it. dukka-dukka-dukka-dukka-dukka-dukka-dukka

And you should follow me. (That's Twitter talk for subscribe to my tweets. More Twitter talk there.) Click the link on the right. Or just log in to Twitter and find me. I'm thecachinnator.

I promise to tweet stupid stuff, tmi, and useless information.

I Was in a Movie

2009-03-25T00:51:00.000-05:00

So last summer I was in a movie. We filmed my scenes in one day. Sooooo.... it's not exactly a "big" part. But there is a trailer for it.

It's here.

Now is the part where you guess what role I played in the film.

The Benefit of the Doubt

2009-03-22T03:08:00.000-05:00

It's been a rough week, friends. I've never been involved in a lawsuit before. That's not by accident. I live my life in such a way that I should never have to sue anyone nor should anyone be able to sue me. Yet, here I am. In the course of my work, I am forced to sue a pair of prominent Texas entertainers.

Some people know me and have been very supportive because they believe that I act in the best interest of Waco and my business. But many other people have been very ugly. I suppose they think that people in entertainment and people who make them laugh are by definition good people. That must make me wrong, right? Only I'm not. I really won't bore you with all the details, and I'm not particularly concerned with whether or not you believe me. I know most of you who read this and I'm pretty sure you do believe me. But that's beside the point. Or, rather, that is the point. I guess my point is that you can't really know whether or not I'm right. Neither can any of the people who are saying such ugly things about me right now.

So why are they saying them? That's what really bothers me. Why are people who don't know me in any way saying things like I don't know anything about business, I'm ruining the Hippodrome, I don't know what I'm doing, I'm taking money from people, I'm screwing ticket-holders, and I'm associating with corrupt people. Of course none of that is true, but even if it were, they can't possibly know that. What leads people to say things like that?

See, years ago I decided never to talk about people in an abstract way to make a point about something else. In particular, I decided that in the context of preaching. Most of you know that I recently finished a Master of Divinity degree. And I have vowed never to talk about people the way I've heard some preachers do in sermons. They'll talk about celebrities' immoral lives in a tabloid way to make a point about living morally. That's not only wrong, it's offensive and perverse to me. People aren't object lessons. Not even famous people. Not even famous people that we think we know something about. They're people. That's not what people are for.

I think I'm learning something here too. I'm not sure I can articulate it yet. But I do know that the anonymity of the internet has primarily made people meaner and stupider than I would ever have believed possible. I hear a lot of discussion about the way online connectivity creates communities, but I'm skeptical. I don't think that you can know someone - really know them - without an in-person experience with them. Without having a cup of coffee with them. Without playing a game with them. Without shaking their hand or touching their shoulder. And I've realized that I haven't quite lived up to that realization. I talk about celebrities, authors, athletes, politicians, and such as if I actually know them. I comment on their decisions and criticize their work. And I don't think it's right. I don't think I can talk about Jerry Jones based on what he does with the Dallas Cowboys. At least not as a person. I can't say that he's an idiot or a genius. I don't think I can talk about President Obama that way either. I don't think I can label him or call him prudent or foolish. Perhaps I would do things differently than those men. Perhaps I'll have an opinion about their decisions, but I don't think I can talk about their persons anymore.

I'm not comparing myself to President Obama. I'm just saying that I've learned a few lessons here. I've also learned that I can't say anything that I won't sign my name to. Even if my intentions are good or my comments are constructive, it wouldn't be worthy of my integrity to leave a comment online with anything less than my name. Heck, I've been guilty of doing the opposite many times and recently. But no more. Under any circumstances. I can't do it for any reason, because to do so is really no different than what the trolls do, even if I'm saying constructive or positive things.

I don't think I'm done learning from this. And I'm not fishing for compliments or for anyone to stroke my ego. I'm a big enough boy that if that was what I wanted or needed, I'd ask for it. But I have no problem admitting that I'm hurt by all this. I'm truly doing my best and my utmost. And from now on, I think I'll make more active choices to believe that others are doing the same and refuse to speak about people whom I don't know.

I think I understand what it means to give someone the benefit of the doubt. I understand it because I've identified what that doubt is. I doubt that I know enough to have an opinion that could hurt someone's feelings or damage their self-worth. Therefore, I'll let them benefit from my doubt by refusing to speak into my potential ignorance. I'll forever doubt my certainty about others, and ensure that they benefit from not only my refusal to criticize, but my tacit respect.

The Saga Continues...

2009-03-21T02:16:00.000-05:00

From today's paper:

Saturday, March 21, 2009
By Carl Hoover
Tribune-Herald entertainment editor

The Waco Performing Arts Company filed suit Friday against the Greater Tuna Corporation, its agent, Roland Scahill, and the entertainment agencies the Gersh Agency and William Morris Agency for damages stemming from the three cancellations of the play “Tuna Does Vegas” this season.

The suit, filed in 170th State District Court, charges breach of contract, two counts of negligent or fraudulent misrepresentation and violation of the Texas Deceptive Trade Practices Act. The WPAC claimed the defendants’ actions cost the Hippodrome lost revenue for the approximately 2,100 tickets sold, money spent to market the show three times and print three sets of tickets, staff manpower spent in “Tuna”-related issues and revenue lost from subsequent shows that Baker had intended to promote to “Tuna” audiences.

No dollar amount was cited for the damages alleged, but Waco Performing Arts Company executive director Scott Baker estimated the financial loss to the Waco Hippodrome Theatre, which the WPAC manages, due to the three cancellations was “hundreds of thousands of dollars,” not to mention the intangibles of damage to the theater’s reputation and loss of patron goodwill.

The legal action followed the cancellation of the April 17-19 performances of “Tuna Does Vegas” on March 18 due to an apparent double-booking of the comedy at the La Mirada Theater in La Mirada, Calif. The two-man play is the fourth and latest in the series from Austin actors Jaston Williams and Joe Sears about the inhabitants of fictional Tuna, Texas’ “third-smallest” town.

The April dates for “Vegas” had been rescheduled after a cancellation of the show in January. That January run, in turn, had been rescheduled from an original Sept. 12-14 run of the two-man show, which was scratched in the aftermath of Hurricane Gustav affecting other “Tuna” dates.

The suit, filed by the WPAC’s attorney, Seth Sutton, contends Greater Tuna Corp. has no intention of playing the April dates, and that represents “anticipatory breach of contract.” The misrepresentation charges concern information Baker says Scahill gave him that led to the WPAC’s cancellation of the five-performance runs in September and January.

“The Hippodrome did due diligence at every step of the way,” Sutton said.

Reached late Friday at his New York office, Scahill replied via e-mail, “We have had to reschedule the show, and hoped to work out things amicably with our friends in Waco but couldn’t abide by their deadlines, and still hope to play at a mutually agreeable time. But I would prefer to discuss the situation in full detail with you on Monday.”

Williams, who contended in an interview earlier this week that the “Tuna” company had no intention to return to the Hippodrome, was not reached for comment late Friday. His statement surprised many Hippodrome officials and Waco fans who noted the “Tuna” company had enjoyed enthusiastic audiences each time a “Tuna” production played at the Waco theater.

Williams and Sears, in fact, came to Waco to perform a special set of fundraising “Tuna” performances to help the Hippodrome during a 2005 financial crisis.

Included in the suit is a copy of a March 25, 2008, short-form contract or “deal memo,” signed by Scahill, that set five performances of “Tuna Does Vegas” by Tuna Does Vegas LLC on Sept. 12-14 at the Hippodrome, specifying advertising expenses and arrangements and a net potential revenue if all seats sell at the listed ticket prices.

Deal memos usually are followed by a long contract signed by both parties that contains the agreements in the memo, plus additional details such as technical specifications and other arrangements.

Baker said he signed the long contract but that it was not returned. That wasn’t a problem, he said.

“I have done shows with only short forms before, and there was no indication (Greater Tuna) had problems with the long contract,” Baker said, adding he had received e-mail communications from the play’s technical staff afterward indicating an intent to perform at the Hippodrome.

“The contract we have is a good, solid legal contract. Every step we negotiated in good faith at their request, not mine,” Baker said.

“Waco needs to be treated in the same way that Houston, Chicago, Dallas and New York City are treated.”

First Update

2009-03-20T19:19:00.000-05:00

Here's the first update after a very stressful and hectic day:

Waco Performing Arts Company files suit against ‘Greater Tuna’ organizers

By Carl Hoover | Friday, March 20, 2009, 06:13 PM

The Waco Performing Arts Company filed suit Friday against the Greater Tuna Corporation, its agent Roland Scahill, the Gersh Agency and William Morris Agency for damages stemming from the three cancellations of the Greater Tuna play “Tuna Does Vegas” this season.

The suit, filed in 170th State District Court, charges breach of contract, two counts of negligent or fraudulent misrepresentation and violation of the Texas Deceptive Trade Practices Act.

No dollar amount was cited for the damages alleged, but Waco Performing Arts Company Executive Director Scott Baker estimated the financial loss to the Waco Hippodrome Theatre, which the WPAC manages, due to the three cancellations was “hundreds of thousands of dollars.”

The legal action followed the WPAC’s cancellation of the April 17-19 performances of “Tuna Does Vegas” on Wednesday due to an apparent double-booking of the comedy at the La Mirada Theater in La Mirada, Calif.

The April dates, in turn, had been rescheduled after a cancellation of the show in January. That January run of “Tuna Does Vegas,” in turn, had been rescheduled from an original Sept. 12-14 run of the two-man show, which was scratched in the aftermath of Hurricane Gustav.

Back in the News

2009-03-20T00:26:00.000-05:00

Well, folks, I've done it again. Back in the news. Only this time, I'd rather not. Here's what you need to know before reading the story: I live my life in such a way as to never be involved in a lawsuit. That said, since I now find myself in one, as the plaintiff, I have done absolutely everything right. I have the side of truth. I have a mountain of evidence. The opposition has absolutely no case.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

By Carl Hoover

Tribune-Herald entertainment editor

Managers of the Waco Hippodrome Theatre have for the third time canceled a scheduled performance this season of “Tuna Does Vegas” and say they’ll take the theater group behind the stage comedy to court.

The Waco Performing Arts Company, manager of the Hippodrome, began Wednesday notifying ticket holders to “Tuna Does Vegas” of the cancellation, claiming the show’s company has refused to scratch its April 17-19 performances in La Mirada, Calif., so it can perform in Waco. Those April dates had been approved by WPAC for a rescheduled Hippodrome run of the popular comedy.

“It’s cost us hard cash in marketing and (ticket) refunds. . . . We’ve lost the good will of our patrons, money, promotion and income,” said WPAC board president Hap Nielsen, explaining the board’s March 5 decision to approve legal action against the “Tuna” theater company. “It’s an aggravation to all of us.”

"Tuna Does Vegas," starring Jaston Williams (left) and Joe Sears, has been canceled at the Waco Hippodrome Theatre for the third time.

Austin actor Jaston Williams, who with actor Joe Sears created and performs all of the characters in the four “Tuna” plays, bristled at the suggestion of a lawsuit, claiming “Tuna” company members made it clear after their last Waco appearance that they’d never play the Hippodrome again.

“This makes me so angry to hear that. We did a huge fundraiser for these people to save that theater,” said Williams by phone from Austin. “We made it clear after the last time we were there that we were not going to play the Hippodrome again: It’s too small.”

“Tuna Does Vegas,” the fourth and latest comedy about the inhabitants of fictional small-town Tuna, Texas, was scheduled to open the Hippodrome’s fall schedule in September. After Hurricane Ike forced cancellation of several “Tuna” performances near the Gulf Coast, Hippodrome officials agreed to reschedule the Waco dates for January at the request of “Tuna’s” booking agent, WPAC Executive Director Scott Baker said.

Those January dates then were moved to April after company representatives claimed damage to costumes while in storage would prevent the Waco performances, Baker said. Beginning in February, however, callers to the Hippodrome’s offices advised its staff that “Tuna’s” Web site was listing performances in California on the dates reportedly promised to Waco.

Baker stopped sales of “Tuna Does Vegas” tickets in February until the situation could be clarified, but he said calls and e-mails to agent Richard Scahill of New York-based Gersh Agency went unanswered for days. Scahill finally communicated with Baker in early March but failed to reply when the WPAC director demanded written notice of cancellation of the California dates by March 9 or legal action would follow, Baker said.

“ ‘Tuna’s’ pattern of uncertainty, broken promises and refusal to assure us the April show will go on has left WPAC no choice but to cancel the show,” Baker wrote Hippodrome ticket holders.

Williams, however, said the “Tuna” company had no intention of performing at the Hippodrome this season. The September dates booked for “Tuna Does Vegas” had been approved with the thinking that “Waco Performing Arts Company” was a larger venue, he said. “I think it’s a case of bait-and-switch,” he charged.

Baker, however, countered that he has a signed contract for those September performances, although the WPAC signed but never received back contracts for the January and April rescheduled runs.

“With all due respect, I have a signed contract for those September dates. . . . Someone’s lying, and it’s not me,” he said.

Baker said the now-triple “Tuna” cancellations had damaged the Hippodrome’s 2008-09 operating budget and its reputation with its patrons, and impending legal action would address that. He did not specify what legal action would be pursued or the amount of damages sought, however, on advice of counsel, he said.

Baker said the theater had sold approximately 2,100 tickets for the five “Tuna Does Vegas” performances scheduled for April. Ticket holders can request a full or partial refund through the theater’s box office, but in a letter sent to those with tickets, which is posted on the WPAC Web site, the executive director urged them to pass up a refund and consider the tickets a tax-deductible donation.

“Our situation is critical, and we need the assistance of all ticket holders to overcome this challenge in order to continue to bring the high level of entertainment that we all enjoy and expect,” he wrote.

Those wanting information on refunds can call the Hippodrome box office at (254) 752-9797.

Nielsen said the board had considered seeking a loan to cover a cash-flow crunch earlier this year but would take a wait-and-see attitude, with several upcoming productions this month and next bringing revenue to the theater.

“It will depend how generous the hearts of Waco Performing Arts Company patrons are,” he said.

Moral of the story: Don't mess with Waco. Don't treat my patrons like dirt. Don't go back on your word. Don't violate your contract with me. And, most obviously, don't lie to me or the press when I've got a signed contract and have documented every single step of the issue.

I hate this. But I will do what is necessary. And I will do the right thing.

A Recent Conversation with Forky

2009-03-14T14:04:00.000-05:00

The following conversation is brought to you excerpted by Gmail chat:

Forky: Holy crap! It's midnight in the City that Never Sleeps.
Cach: In that case, I fail to see the emergency.
Forky: You have a point...

Forky: ...I hate that I can't see or hear the word HOPE anymore without it being colored!
Cach: Oh, Forky… that’s terrible…
Forky: No, wait… I didn’t mean… ha!...

Cach: ...We can only be clear about our message and know ourselves. We must know what "good theatre" means. For ourselves. And communicate it to the best of our ability. Right?
Forky: Yes. But you're stuck if some idiot sees Mamma Mia and thinks it's good.
Cach: Or RENT.
Forky: Now, it may just be because he hasn't been exposed to good theatre so he has nothing to judge it by. Or he may have just been in the mood for a dumb time with dumb songs in a dumb show. Or he may actually think it's good because he's an idiot.
Cach: Or because we are miserable failures at teaching ourselves that degradation and immorality is not entertaining.
Forky: It is when you set it to 'Dancing Queen,' Cach.

Nashville: Days 2-4

2009-03-09T23:15:00.000-05:00

It was awesome. Beeki and I are excited about moving there. Now all we need to do is sell our house and find jobs. Any leads?

Also, I got my official rejection notice from Stanford. They're now on my blacklist. They'll be sorry.

While in Nashville, we hung out a lot with Chaotic and Mrs. Hammer and with Stephen. We even engaged Hammer and Stephen in a few games of Speed Scrabble.

Beeki didn't win this game. She thought it ironic

that it included the words "lost, drat, sin, quit, and bust."

Everyone found this board of mine amusing.

It was later titled "Wet Hand Jerk."

Stephen seemed to have something on the mind

with his board titled "Boobs Sin Panic."

And Hammer lamented with his board "Evil Gin Love."

More pictures to come.

A Recent Conversation with Forky

2009-03-04T20:14:00.000-06:00

Forky: They told us to take a water break, but there was no water fountain, so if we didn't bring a water bottle, we were screwed.

Cach: Did you bring water?

Forky: No, but I brought a jumbo cheeseburger from McDonalds.

Cach: ... I think that may be the opposite of water.

Nashville: Day 1

2009-02-28T00:02:00.000-06:00

Up at 4am to catch our flight. (4am is usually closer to bedtime for Cach.) Flight had worst turbulance I've ever experienced.

Beeki fell asleep and slobbered a pool into her hand and then for some reason felt the need to show me.

Met with folks about a prospective job for Beeki. (Omitted the "slobbered in her hand" story.) It went very well.

Saw a hockey shop. I celebrated. The following conversation ensued:

Cach: Yaaaay! A hockey store!
Beeki: They have hockey here?
Cach: Yeah, the Predators play here.
Beeki: Oh, no! They named their team after child molestors?!

Then we saw a play and are now crashed out at the residence of The Chaotic Hammer. He and his wife are wicked cool and way generous to share their place with us.

More later.

What not to miss?

2009-02-26T11:18:00.001-06:00

Okay, Beeki and I are headed to Nashville tomorrow to check things out. If you're up there, we'd love to find a way to run into you.

But in any case, what do we need to be sure not to miss while there? And do any of you have leads on a job for someone like me?

I know... details...

Confessions

2009-02-22T00:33:00.000-06:00

I'm a Christian and a minister, so forgiveness is supposed to be one of those things that I have expertise in. But for some reason, I've been having trouble with a few aspects of the subject lately. I think part of it is that I'm about to move and leave behind the opportunity to seek forgiveness from people or situations that I want to. But that's only a minor complication, really. Allow me to explain.

In the course of my job I have had to do a few unpleasant things. I've fired two people. I've openly opposed Board members who were later effectively removed. And I feel badly about it. I wish I hadn't had to do it. But I did. I can't even wish to take back what I did because it needed to be done for the good of the theatre and in order to fulfill my duties to the organization. I want to feel like I don't need to be forgiven for what I did. But on some level I do. Even if I can't actually say I did anything wrong.

When I started seminary, I had a much narrower outlook on life and theology. One time, in a class, I made a disparaging remark about a certain political point of view to the girl sitting next to me. I just took it for granted that all Christians thought the same about certain things. She reacted strangely, although I didn't understand why at the time, and it was only later as I replayed that incident in my head that I realized I had offended her. That was almost six years ago and I have no idea where she is now. I couldn't even begin to say that I think she remembers it. But I do. And I can't ask her pardon.

Another time, I made a comment in class to a professor that I'm sure no one else remembers and everyone else has blown off, but remains one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. During a time of prayer requests, I noted that the Texas legislature was allowing moments of silence in school and that the students would follow the lead of the teachers in how to react and that we should pray for the teachers for guidance. The teacher reacted politely, but in an eye-opening moment of instruction said that not everyone might feel the same way about the "moment of silence" issue. That was one of the first times I really dug deeper into the complicated world of politics/religion and realized that I had been naive in listening to the most strident and boisterous voices that claimed to represent my faith. I would like nothing more than to apologize for my insensitivity and thank that professor for so gently teaching me one of the most important lessons that I learned in seminary. But that professor died three years ago. And I can't say anything to her now.

Oh, God, and there are others. But knowing that I need to seek forgiveness from God and live a life changed by that forgiveness, and actually doing it are two different things. Living with the knowledge that there are people out there who think poorly of me because of offhanded or thoughtless things I've done or said saddens me deeply. I'm even sadder knowing that I've changed and grown in ways that would not allow me to say or do those things now. And I can't make it right.

Anyway, that's what I'm thinking about this Sunday.

Bright Lights, Big City

2009-02-18T12:22:00.001-06:00

Well... I didn't get into Stanford. So it looks like Beeki and I are going to be moving to Nashville this summer. Everything is still pretty fluid at this point, but we're planning on being up there for a visit next weekend. I'm trying to figure out exactly where we'll be and when, and believe me, if you're in Nashville, I'll be in touch shortly!

The goal is going to be opening a theatre company not too long from now. But first we'll need to take care of details like a place to live and a job for Beeki. She's an MFA in Directing, so if you know of any colleges or universities who are looking for the most talented 27 year old director in the country to teach and direct in their theatre department, let me know.

Meantime, I'm about to begin posting some ideas that I have for a different way to do theatre in America today. I hope you'll all provide feedback, and honest feedback at that. I've got some pretty heretical thoughts such as, "Artists like to talk a lot about how good and necessary they are for the community... but can any of them prove that?" and "Why is it so difficult to find a good production of a play on DVD?" and "Why do so many supposedly ground-breaking and important plays actually suck even if no one is willing to say so?" and "Are theatres the only organizations worse than churches at actually reaching the people they claim to target?" So, hopefully I've got some interesting answers to those questions, and hopefully the ones that I don't have answers to, I can begin to work out solutions to with your help.

See you in Nashville!

Sandwich

2009-02-16T18:58:00.000-06:00

I just invented a sandwich. That's right. I'm adding "cooker" to my resume. Maybe that should be "sandwich maker." But really, I think of myself as more than that. Sure, this time I just invented a sandwich, but it could have been anything. I'll go with "Baker." Wait a sec... I've already got that title. Until there's a better suggestion, I'm sticking with "cooker."

What is this sandwich, you ask? An almond butter, blueberry, and honey on wheat bread sandwich. Dee-lish.

As usual, feel free to copy me. But if, nay..., when you do, you must give me credit. If you make it for a friend or loved one, before eating give thanks in this manner: "O God, thank thee for food and Scott Baker: cooker of good sandwiches." If you enjoy the sandwich in private, there's no need to make a private display of gratitude. Just sacrifice something Old Testament-y later. Something like a perfect white dove. Or a cow. Maybe a golden cow.

Enjoy your scottwich.

Cachinnator as Cupid

2009-02-12T12:32:00.000-06:00

So Valentine's Day is coming up. I, being as romantic as I am, have some great gift ideas for you all. Most of these are taken from my real life, and yes you can feel free to steal them.

Make the everyday into something special. For example, a while back, Beeki told me to re-order her contacts. So I did. They came in a week ago, but I stashed them. Now her old ones are drying out and starting to burn. She thinks I'm insensitive and lazy, but boy will she be surprised when they turn up on her nightstand later this week!

Buy her a stunning gift. I recommend the Jane Seymour thing from Kay. The one that looks like two butts.

Do something she wouldn't expect. I'm thinking: laundry.

Prepare a romantic meal for her. If you're as busy as I am, and your wife is as busy as Beeki is, chances are this is one suggestion on which you can cut corners. So long as you never actually say, "I cooked this for you," and instead stick with, "I prepared this for you," it's technically not lying if you put Italian take-out on a plate, mess up a bunch of dishes, and take credit for it.

Learn something new that she won't see coming. In my case, I'm about to unveil to Beeki that I've learned how to make money. (I don't actually have this one prepared yet. If any of you have some advice to offer here, please email me. I've only got a few days left.)

Beeki's a lucky woman.

I May Already be a President

2009-02-11T11:38:00.000-06:00

I just found out that I'm on a stamp. I think that makes me a national treasure.

Seriously, when you google yourself, do you find yourself on a stamp? I didn't think so.

Consider this: who else is found on stamps? Abraham Lincoln. Barack Obama. Edgar Allan Poe. Frank Sinatra. Bette Davis.

That's right. Bette. Freakin'. Davis.

I need to check my bank account. I may already be rich. Are those my neighbors outside or paparazzi? Beeki's going to need bigger and more ridiculous sunglasses. Better get Bert and Ernie a bath since they'll be famous by proxy.

Don't worry, I'll always sign autographs. And I won't be one of those jerks who doesn't want you selling his autograph on ebay. I'm happy to support the economy with my awesomeness.

A Recent Conversation with my Wife

2009-02-09T12:06:00.000-06:00

Beeki: Would I like the Tudors?
Cach: I think so. Do you know much about the English Reformation?
Beeki: No. Where would I have learned that?
Cach: I don't know. History class? Reading about it because it's interesting?
Beeki: My high school history teacher had epilepsy so bad that he had a bunch of seizures and bit off half his tongue.
Cach: ...
Beeki: So I had a hard time understanding him a lot of the time.
Cach: ... (Struggling) ... That's not funny... (still struggling) ... it's not...
Beeki: I remember one time he asked me a question and I couldn't understand him.
Cach: (Fighting soooo hard not to laugh) ... ... ...
Beeki: And it was like the Wonder Years. I was looking around me to see if anyone could help me and they were all just staring at me.
Cach: ... (Really struggling)... Yeah, I think you'd like the Tudors.

Cachinnator in the News

2009-02-08T15:16:00.001-06:00

More from the local paper about yours truly:

Sunday, February 08, 2009

By Carl Hoover

Tribune-Herald entertainment editor

After last month’s postponement of “Tuna Does Vegas” for the second time, Waco Hippodrome Theatre officials are consoling themselves with this thought: Four years ago, such news could have been fatal for the historic performing arts venue.

A fall dotted with show cancellations, slowing ticket sales and spotty turnouts followed by a second rescheduling of “Tuna Does Vegas” has dealt a body punch to the Hippodrome’s 2008-09 operating budget. But Waco Performing Arts Company executive director Scott Baker says there’s no thought of the theater shutting its doors.

“Nobody is questioning the future of the Waco Performing Arts Company,” he said, referring to the organization that manages the Hippodrome.

The postponement of five “Tuna Does Vegas” shows last month due to damage to the company’s costumes has cost the Hippodrome needed revenue, and theater officials are seriously contemplating getting a loan to cover a cash flow shortage until midspring, when the theater will field several major shows in a short period of time — including the new dates of “Tuna Does Vegas,” April 17-19.

Baker was recently encouraged that about 500 people turned out for the Feb. 3 performance of “Cirque le Masque,” a number smaller than the audience he anticipated last year when planning the season but larger than he expected given recent months of dire economic news.

“We are showing some signs of rebound,” he said.

March through May will be busy with eight major stage productions and two fundraisers, but getting to that point through a quiet February will be challenging.

WPAC Board President Hap Nielsen said, however, that changes in the theater’s operation, marketing and budgeting have strengthened the theater’s financial condition since a spring 2005 crisis that pushed the 95-year-old facility to the brink of closing and led to an emergency appeal to the community for donations.

Paying off debt, expansion of audiences through diverse programming and inventive marketing, streamlined office management and additional revenue streams, such as film programs enabled by the theater’s new high-definition video projector, have added up to sounder financial footing for the Hippodrome, Nielsen said.

“I credit Scott and I credit his staff for thinking of ways of doing things better,” he said.

Baker came to the theater in the summer of 2005 on a part-time basis, then the board moved him to full time several months later. The WPAC budget has grown in that time from $220,000 to roughly $400,000. Season tickets also have increased under Baker’s watch, from 220 in the 2005-06 season to approximately 700 this year.

Online ticketing, which Baker helped implement, now accounts for roughly one-third of the Hippodrome’s ticket sales.

The executive director plans to leave his position in June and said he regrets not being able to pay off its debt entirely before leaving, having closed to within $30,000 this season.

For Brian Bivona, who left the WPAC board last November after 16 years, the biggest change since the 2005 emergency was paying off about $200,000 in accumulated debt that had rolled over year to year.

Having reduced that debt, in fact, will help the Hippodrome secure any short-term loans needed to cope with the theater’s current cash-flow problem, Baker said.

Any performing-arts venue or organization has to deal with events beyond its control, and the Hippodrome’s rocky fall brought nods of sympathy from Wes Allison, president of the Heart O’ Texas Fair and Rodeo, and Waco Symphony Orchestra executive director Susan Taylor. Both said their organizations try to minimize the effects of the unexpected on their schedules and budgets, but no system of safeguards is perfect.

Allison said cancellation and weather insurance on concerts the Coliseum sponsors helps minimize unexpected losses, as do deposits required from those renting HOT Complex facilities for events. A reserve fund provides emergency backup if something should strike the annual HOT Fair and Rodeo, the organization’s primary moneymaker, and officials are careful not to overextend their sponsored events.

The logistics of organizing some 80 symphony musicians and a busy Waco Hall schedule makes rescheduling a canceled Waco Symphony Orchestra concert a headache, so officials would seek a substitute as the first option, should a guest artist cancel, Taylor said.

Few performers in the WSO’s history have canceled a concert date, she noted, but should that happen, the talent agency backing the performer can suggest a replacement or contacts in the symphony world can lead the WSO to an alternate, Taylor said.

The WSO also can draw from Baylor University’s School of Music faculty for a talented soloist, she added.

Bad luck piles on

Before a run of bad luck struck, the Hippodrome’s 2008-09 season looked promising last fall, with season tickets selling briskly this summer.

A five-performance run of “Tuna Does Vegas,” the latest Texas-flavored comedy from Austin actors Jaston Williams and Joe Sears, was to kick off the theater year in September, but the Austin company postponed that run after Hurricane Gustav canceled other tour dates in the Gulf area.

That postponement, coupled with a widening national recession, tipped off a chain of falling financial dominoes for the theater. While the theater was able to reschedule most of its sold “Tuna” tickets, the missing shows removed a marketing platform Baker had depended upon: some 2,000 “Tuna” and theater fans spread over five performances.

That loss of audience exposure and the chill of a falling economy caused a season ticket drive to fall short of its 800-ticket goal and shortfalls in audience turnout for “The Pajama Game,” “Seussical,” “Defending the Caveman,” “Sweeney Todd” and “The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee,” Baker said, the latter three shows being the type of edgy or different programming that a “Tuna” audience would support.

The dance show “Tapestry” canceled because of poor sales. The theater added a second performance of “Oliver!” to help its touring company in a financial bind, but the extra show meant extra marketing expenses.

“The Three Redneck Tenors’ Spec-tac-yule-ar” proved the fall’s first true success, and Baker hoped a January run of “Tuna Does Vegas” would inject cash into the theater’s spring season — needed after an earlier decision to cancel a February Mardi Gras fundraiser — as well as help sell tickets for spring shows.

Then came January’s distressing news: An accident had damaged the company’s costumes, and “Tuna” would have to be postponed a second time.

Baker acknowledged that the next few months will be a challenge but was optimistic about the theater’s future.

“It’s tough. It’s tight, but the doors are open and shows are going on,” he said.

Find the original article here.

A Recent Conversation with Forky

2009-02-05T22:35:00.000-06:00

This conversation is brought to you by Gmail chat and the letter "H." Context: Forky has been waiting to find out if he's going to appear in a segment on a very popular national morning show broadcast out of NYC about art students and the models who pose for them. He's the model. The nude model. Enjoy:

Forky: CACH! HOLY CRAP!!

Cach: Jees?

Forky: They WERE ready for this jelly!

Cach: SHUT UP!

Forky: .......

Cach: So you and your jelly are headed for prime time?

Forky: Well, prime...morning...time....?

Cach: And are you ready to hit on Couric?

Forky: I hate that bitch.

Cach: Forky...

Forky: WHAT?

Cach: Now, now... Beeki wants to know if you ever fart while posing.

Forky: HA! Umm. Well, we ALL fart, Beeki.

Cach: I'm sure she'll find that amusing.

Forky: Just because you're naked doesn't mean you fart MORE.

Cach: She also wants to know if there will be a blooper reel from the segment. I don't really know what that means.

Forky: Oh, I do.

Cach: I'm picturing like you hitting the camera with your junk during a close-up.

Forky: Oh. I was thinking of something much simpler than that.

Cach: Like farting?

Forky: ....... More male.

Cach: Like burping and farting while scratching yourself? Ha ha.

Forky: Like, doing my interview and suddenly I get nervous or something. BLOOPER!

Cach: Is that what they're calling it these days?

Forky: A Blooper?

Cach: Yeah.

Forky: I don't even know what they're going to do. I find out
tomorrow

Cach: So, what? They're going to show up at one of your sessions and film?

Forky: I have no clue.

Cach: Or you go in studio and get nekked in one of those rooms on the ground floor with all the windows?

Forky: They may not even interview me. It's about the New York Academy of Art (Yes..."Nyaa") But they needed models to show how the students do their art from life. "Do their art". Yeah, it's THAT kind of school. Where kids "do art"

Cach: Will they also show them smoking dope in their dorm rooms and pretending to have intellectual discussions?

Forky: Dude...if I have to be nude in front of Matt "Baldy" and a whole camera crew--blue dot or no--that'd be really strange.

Cach: Yeah... blooper!

Forky: Well, I mean... I was thinking about that during my gig tonight. I don't even think about it anymore. But I'd sure as hell think about it if I knew the entire country was on the other end. Of the camera.

Cach: Eating their breakfast while checking out your sweet sweet ass?

Forky: DUDE! This is getting weirder the more I think about it! I'm sure they'll have us in speedos or something. And ask us stupid questions like "Does it get cold up there?"

Cach: I'm picturing some guy who used to work with you at 6 Flags watching and going, "Hey, ma! Come check this out! I think the naked guy used to be Tweety!"

Forky: Marvin, but yes. Things are gonna start happening to ME NOW!

Cach: Things like bloopers?

Forky: If they haven't happened by now, they ain't never gonna happen.

Cach: Yeah, you're getting old.

Forky: ....... :^( Well, once I find out what it is they're going to have us nudies do, I guess I have to break the news to my family.

Cach: It really will give Mama Forky the vapors. And then she'll die.

Forky: Not in this economy. If she can shut down hospitals, she can deal with her nude son on national television.

Cach: I guess that does put things in perspective, huh?

Forky: Kinda does.

Cach: After having people call her the devil in all kinds of public forums, she can handle you shaming the Forky family name with your shameless sluttery.

Forky: Oh, I assure you, it's NOT shameless. Wait, who'm I kidding?

Cach: Well, see? I think that actually does make it better! Knowing there's shame involved, that is.

Forky: Right right.

Another Offer

2009-02-03T18:30:00.000-06:00

This is another totally serious offer that I got to book at my theatre:

What do you think? I think Nelson + Hasslehoff = bulletproof. They'll rename this city for me.

What I Learned From the Super Bowl

2009-02-01T21:38:00.001-06:00

Super Bowl commercials are why the terrorists hate us.

Pretty sure I'm with the terrorists on this one.

The Truth

2009-01-23T23:41:00.000-06:00

Well, it was bound to come out sooner or later. People were doing the math. I graduated in December. Beeki's set to graduate in May. It would seem time for a transition.

And so it is. The following is from today's Waco Tribune-Herald:

Saturday, January 24, 2009

By Carl Hoover

Tribune-Herald entertainment editor

The cancellation of this weekend’s performances of “Tuna Does Vegas” at the Waco Hippodrome Theatre not only caused a headache for ticket-holders and Hippodrome box office staff, but it took away the audience for Scott Baker’s big news.

Baker, executive director of the Waco Performing Arts Company, which manages the historic theater, wanted to announce he’ll be leaving the theater sometime this June and introduce his replacement, Kristi Humphreys.

The WPAC board approved the leadership transition plan in November, but Baker planned to announce it on opening night of the three-day “Tuna” run.

“I wanted our patrons to receive the information as it was intended: as a very positive development in the history of the theater,” he said Friday. “This is the first time we’ve planned a transition.”

Extensive costume damage suffered two weeks ago by the Austin-based “Tuna Does Vegas” company, however, forced cancellation of its Waco performances this weekend, nixing what the director felt would have been the ideal platform for his announcement.

Hap Nielsen, WPAC board president, said Baker’s decision to leave this summer was his own choice and not instigated by the board. At the same time, he said Hippodrome supporters who had befriended Baker and his wife Beki knew their departure was a possibility simply by looking at their calendars: Baker finished a master of divinity degree at Baylor’s Truett Seminary in December, while Beki will finish her master’s degree in theater this spring.

“I think we knew the handwriting was on the wall at some point in time,” he said.

Baker, 29, was hired on a part-time basis 3 1/2 years ago in the aftermath of a financial crisis that almost saw the Waco performing arts venue shut its doors. Weeks later, board members moved him to the full-time directorship. Under his leadership, the theater has increased its season ticket sales, expanded its audiences, paid off much of its debt and set plans for building improvements and expansion.

When Baker informed the board of his decision to leave in 2009, he recommended Humphreys, a 1999 Baylor graduate in music who recently returned to Waco with her husband Chris, as his replacement.

Humphreys, daughter of Robinson accountant Garland Rowan, has several years of experience as a professional actress, holds a master’s degree in interdisciplinary studies and a doctorate in humanities, both from the University of Texas at Dallas, and taught film and theater on a collegiate level in Dallas. She was out of town Friday and unavailable for comment.

Nielsen, on the executive committee that interviewed Humphreys for the position, said her mix of theater experience and business acumen plus her familiarity with Waco fit precisely what the board wanted in Baker’s replacement.

She’ll work with Baker this spring, a time in which the Waco theater has nine major stage productions on its schedule.

Baker’s post-Hippodrome plans aren’t set yet. He’s applied to a Stanford University doctoral program in theater, and if he’s not accepted, he and Beki are contemplating a move to Nashville to start a theater company, he said.

The doctoral program application, in fact, prompted Baker to notify the board of his plans back in November.

“The decision to make this transition had to be done before I applied,” he said.

Nielsen praised the theater director for his advance planning.

“What a class guy. He gave us plenty of time to handle a transition and he brought to us a person he thought could do the job,” he said.

You can find the original article here.

I'll keep you all posted as the weeks and months unfold, but for now it seems that Beeki and I will either be headed to California or Tennessee in a few months. I've loved my time here in Waco. I've taken to heart a lesson my father impressed upon me as a child: leave everything better than you found it. I hope that I've left Waco and the Waco Performing Arts Company better than I found them.

God bless you all and I'll be telling you about the upcoming moves as they unfold.

I Do Have a Soul

2009-01-21T12:19:00.000-06:00

Even though Beeki always tells me that I'm all dead inside because I refuse to cry over garbage like The Notebook, I have to confess that sports stories totally get me.

Read the following. Prepare kleenex in advance.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?section=magazine&id=3789373

(HT: Brant Hansen)

... and the Hoffettes...

2009-01-20T12:14:00.000-06:00

The following is, I kid you not, the content of an email I was sent at work last week:

I came oh-so-close to calling them just to check on his price tag. But I really couldn't bear the thought of his people calling once a week just to say, "So, where are we on the Hoff?"

The Real Deaf Housewives of the OC

2009-01-19T14:59:00.000-06:00

So Beeki and I went to the Olive Garden the other night. While waiting for a table, we saw a deaf couple waiting to be seated. And then Beeki started giggling out of control. She had come up with an idea for a new reality show. It had to be explained by her. Enjoy:

A Recent Conversation with Boscoe, Beffy, and Beeki

2009-01-18T17:23:00.000-06:00

Don Boscoe: ... we can wear unitards!

Beffy: No, Boscoe, we're not wasting any more money on unitards.

Beeki: Define "wasting..."

Hmmm...

2009-01-08T22:15:00.000-06:00

So things have been rather hectic the past few weeks. There was that whole graduation thing. Then Beeki and I had to go to Kentucky for her grandmother's funeral.

Do all of you know what preeclampsia is? It's not something you learn about for fun or because everything's okay. My sister-in-law just gave birth to a 1 lb. 15 oz. baby who was born at 27 weeks. Here's baby Claire with her mommy and daddy:

So we packed Beeki off to Houston to be with her family. For now, both mother and baby are recovering well and we're prayerfully hopeful.

And tomorrow, I leave for New York City for a theatre conference. I'm sure to see Forky and Seth and Amber.

And all I can keep thinking about is this: do they even make whole Heath bars anymore? Or is it just something that you find in crumb form on other desserts now? The only place I ever see it is on cakes or pies or Blizzards. I can't even tell you the last time I saw an actual Heath bar! And it's driving me nuts. N-V-T-S: nuts!

Hope you're all well.

The GRE

2009-01-05T19:14:00.000-06:00

So I just took the GRE, Cachinnatees. It was murder! Brutal! Killer! Especially this one part.

No, not the essays. Those were fine. I rocked them. No, not the math - although that was tough. No, not the verbal part. I had that well under control too.

It was right there at the beginning! They really try to jack you up from the get-go. They try to get you off your game. They get into your head.

When you first get in, they make you copy by hand the confidentiality agreement in effing cursive! CURSIVE!

What is this? The third grade? I'm thinking about a PhD here, not a smiley face next to "penmanship" on my report card! Cursive!

Can you believe that? Don't they know who I am?

Quote of the Year

2008-12-31T16:15:00.000-06:00

Here are the candidates for 2008 Quote of the Year as compiled by The Cachinnator. So here are the nominees:

"Did I just discover the secret to reanimating dead piggy tissue?" - Bibb Leo File

"You have to take everything she says with a grain of salt... or at least with salt around the rim..." - Forky

"I don't know how to hide children underneath me without people calling Chris Hanson." - Gray-ham

"I don't think it's that the job is there. I think it's that your mom is there. And you're not happy when you're near your mom. She doesn't make you happy. It's not that she can't make you happy; it's just that she actively works against it." - Cach to Forky

"I don't know what it's about, but it's got a hump and a flute. That's good theatre." - Beffy

"The nude used to be focused on the beauty; Now it's all about the booty." - Random radio evangelist as overheard by Kelly Parker

"That means I've spent this whole day looking at my sweet, sweet ass." - Forky

"The best part of bachelor life is peeing in the sink first thing in the morning." - Grant Miller

"When we go to Sea World, we're sitting way up in the stands. I don't want any whale juice getting on me." - Beeki

"We can't always choose the father of our children..." - Girl in a speech class that Parker was subbing for in a speech about being a single mother.

"I'm more of a lady than you'll ever be, Beeki." - Clay the Temp

"Come on, she plays the banjo! How sexy is that? Oooh! And the pennywhistle..." - Clay the Temp

"You've never ripped your sister's skirt off before? I mean, if you're going to do it, do it for money." - Clay the Temp

"Mmmm... my armpits smell like Chai tea." - Beeki

"So I may not be coming to Texas. Because I may be playing a girl in some play. Dammit." - Forky

"Red Box is the future" - Fleeter

"If you want to talk records, the last time I vomited was 1964, no lie. Just ask Jan, she can vouch for the last 28 years." - Papa Steve

"No, Boscoe, we're not wasting any more money on unitards." - Beffy

"I can practically hear the clippity-clop of the four horsemen outside." - Forky

"I like fairy tales where the kids get eaten in the end." - Seth

"The little mouse was so cute. I know they carry disease... but they also carry cheese!" - Forky

"I'm drunk in the maternity store!" - Beeki

"Call me Margaret Mills and slap me silly!" - Clay the Intern

"...who doesn't want to crank frosty? that sh!t's hard core!" - Amy JT

"Let's get him Sweeney Todd and see if it makes him gay!- Beeki

"I say so much stupid crap all the time and the only mention I get is my wife telling me I can't buy anymore unitards!!" - Don Boscoe

I have chosen a Top 5 and listed them at right for you to vote on the Quote of the Year. Thank you all for saying such crazy things that I can take out of context.

Taco Bell Recruiting

2008-12-29T15:13:00.000-06:00

So Beeki and I were in the Cursed Taco Bell the other day when we came across this brochure for employment at Taco Bell:

Doesn't she look happy and well-adjusted?

But... somehow... it didn't ring true with our experiences at Taco Bell. I mean, I can understand wanting to put your best foot forward in a recruitment brochure, but there's something to be said for truthfulness as well, isn't there? So I took it upon myself to redesign the brochure to better reflect reality. Here is my effort:

Now that's the Taco Bell I know.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-26T23:53:00.000-06:00

I'm chillin' at the in-laws for a few days. I'm rested for the first time since June. I'm turning my attention to getting back into health and shape. The new year feels good as it heads my way. Beeki and I have our health. Bert and Ernie are the greatest dogs that ever lived. I got my MDiv. Brother Brentski is getting married. Sisser got married this past year. Despite tough economic times, I've got a job in the Arts. So things are pretty good.

Of course, things aren't so good for many people in the world. There's war, poverty, famine, death, addiction, loss, pain, cruelty, suffering, and hate. As much as I'd like to pretend that those things are far away from me, they're not. They're in my own city and it's only by the grace of God moment to moment that they're not in my life. Blessings I don't deserve, but for which I am nonetheless grateful.

This time of year there are many distractions. Good distractions. Distractions like giving gifts to each other, spending time with family, watching football, watching television, and eating too much. Any of them can, and often is, turned from goodness to something else. And we often let ourselves get distracted by other silly things like over-inflating a "war on Christmas," finding the "perfect" gift for someone, castigating those who say "Happy Holidays," and force-feeding ourselves "memories."

Is it so much to just let the celebrations of the season come? That's all I'm trying to do. I want to enjoy each celebration and moment as it comes. And, no, none of it is Christmas. It's nice. It's good. It's very valuable. But it's not Christmas.

Christmas is the ultimate expression of God identifying with us. From the poorest and lowliest to the richest and mightiest, we are all affected by the Incarnation. And that's what we have to celebrate. Retailers can't tell us differently. Churches can't tell us differently. Leaders can't tell us differently. Families can't tell us differently. We can have all the good, valuable, wonderful familial and societal celebrations that accompany this season and have Christmas too.

So Merry Christmas to you all. I'm having a wonderful season right now and a great blessed Christmas as well. I hope the same for each of you.

A Few Pictures

2008-12-23T02:06:00.000-06:00

Let's begin taking a look at the graduation ceremony. It had all the pomp and circumstance that one would expect of an institution that prepares young men and women for the care of human souls. Unfortunately, they accepted me, so... anyway...

Here's me in the glow of happiness with Beeki after the ceremony:

Don't we look nice in front of the giant globe?

Then I lost my mind and decided to eat Indonesia:

"Mmmm... archipelagalicious..."

Continuing the theme, we went back to Crackhead and The Colonel's house for cake:

Jakarta didn't quite fill me up.

So far my flimsy grip on sanity is holding. To help stabilize me, before the ceremony I received some congratulatory phone calls:

I was a bit surprised that Angelina got a call in

before God, but maybe he was just being a gentleman.

So that's a bit about graduation. I'll have more soon. Hope you're all well and your Christmas week is off to a good start. Ta ta!

I Have Overcome

2008-12-22T14:19:00.000-06:00

That's right, Cachinnatees: I'm back. I did it. I graduated. I didn't land on Truett Seminary; Truett Seminary landed on me! But I survived. Not only did I survive the semester, I graduated with a pair of A's. I went out strong. So, this is your permission to pay attention again. I'll have pictures and stories full of nonsense in short order. Just because I've been wicked busy doesn't mean I haven't had time for foolishness. So get ready and prepare yourselves. Hope you've all been well. Here comes the cachinnation.

A Recent Conversation with My Former Intern

2008-12-02T20:06:00.000-06:00

(The following conversation with my former intern is brought to you by Facebook chat.)

Intern: Seems like someone's awfully close to some graduation spankings!

Cach: I can only hope.

Intern: I'll have to get my big paddle out of storage...

Cach: Tell the truth, this is at least the fourth time this week you've said that.

Intern: That's a pretty conservative estimate. You know me better than that, Cach.

Cach: It's only Tuesday, for crying out loud! What kind of kinky crap do they have you doing up at that office in Connecticut?!?

Intern: Makes the sexual tension at the Hippo seem like small potatoes. Well, medium-sized potatoes.

Cach: Remind me... who was it that wanted you there?

Intern: All women, shockingly. Once they got a look look at my "goodies", that's all it took. And by "goodies", I mean credentials.

Cach: And by "credentials" you mean bribe money?

Intern: You should know...the check had your signature on it.

Cach: So did the check to Gallagher. Not exactly as prestigious as it might seem.

Intern: Well, it's Connecticut. Standards are lower here across the board. Ironically, you're somewhat of a statewide celebrity here.

Cach: You say that, but when was the last time they had Gallagher diving in their dumpster? (Remind me to tell that story some time...) I'm huge in Connecticut theatre dumpsters.

Intern: That's what he said? Also, Connecticut is sort of like if Waco was an entire state. Grotesque as that may seem.

Cach: Did they get the 80 ft. white guy with a gun statue though? Because we missed out on that one. They might be more Waco than Waco.

Intern: I'm sure there's one at the Casino up the highway. Aiming his gun at the casino.

Cach: And, tell the truth, that's where you live when you're not in the office, isn't it? You've got a stool at a slot machine with an Intern shaped indention and a postcard of Mad Chad on it, right?

Intern: Maybe you ought to check the security footage, big spender. I'm spending Hippo money out of an account in the Grand Caymans. Hope you've found a replacement already.

Cach: Are you kidding? We're a non-profit theatre! We're making so much dough we'd never miss the money you're stealing! Who do you think we are, Downtown Waco, Inc.?

Intern: Call me Margaret Mills and slap me silly. BAM! There's your new blog headline quote. I knew I'd get a good one in eventually.

Cach: Yeah... well, I've got to get back to my homework here. These damned theology papers don't write themselves.

Intern: Well, soon enough, I'll sit you down and tell you about life in the real world. Post-graduation. It's a different ballgame, son. Later.

Cach: Word.

Whoa! I'm a Toddler!

2008-11-30T21:48:00.000-06:00

Believe it or not, as of yesterday, this blog is three years old! I should probably poop my pants in honor of it or something. But I won't. Not because it doesn't sound fun, but because I'm too busy to even crap myself.

I submit to you a random excerpt from some of my recent writings. Try not to fall asleep on your keyboard:

"...towards the end of the first century C.E. at the behest of his friends and students to pass on his expertise on the subject of rhetoric. This makes his work roughly concurrent with the life and writing of Paul. His voice throughout is a conservative one for his day as he consistently contrasts perceived flaws in modern trends with classical examples set by Cicero in particular but also Aristotle and others. Unlike Aristotle’s work and many other ancient sources, Quintilian’s work actually seems to have genuinely been written down by him and not collected from his notes and writings..."

I know... me too. I'll be back soon. Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving.

My Research Assistants

2008-11-22T16:46:00.000-06:00

I know I've been rather silent lately. As I've explained, I'm busier than I've ever been before in my life right now. All is going well. It seems all but certain that I'll be graduating with my MDiv on December 19th. Almost all of my work has to be turned in by December 4th. It's happening.

But it's not happening without a lot of work and sacrifice. I've given up all social life, the gym, and other free time stuff. But my sacrifice is nothing compared to what my research assistants, Bert and Ernie, have had to give up. They've committed themselves to staying up with me until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning to help me get the work done.

Well... "staying up with me" might be stretching it. Below is a photo montage of them beginning on the 6th of November. They stick by my side on the couch in my office. Be proud of them. They're committed.

With help like that, how could anything go wrong with my graduation plans?

New Least Favorite Word

2008-11-18T22:11:00.000-06:00

Webinar.

Hate it.

Worst. Word. Ever.

It's even worse than sticking "aholic" on the end of... Any. Other. Word.

A Recent Conversation With My Former Intern

2008-11-11T23:49:00.000-06:00

(This conversation is brought to you by Facebook chat. It was sparked by Clay the Intern posting a photo of his new office on Facebook. That picture is shown below. Also, you should know before reading the conversation that Clay's favorite performer that used to send me postcards trying to book a gig was Mad Chad the Chainsaw Juggler.)

Clay: I noticed I haven't made an appearance on the blog in awhile. What gives?

Cach: I'm swamped. Work. Full time school. GRE. Doctoral applications. Directing at the Civic Theatre.

Clay: And yet...we're talking via Facebook.

Cach: Facebook doesn't count. There's always time for Facebook.

Clay: I feel like excuses are being made, when the truth of the matter is... ...I was becoming more popular on your blog than you were. And you wanted me out of the picture. And this conversation will, sadly, never see the light of day. But the people must know, Cach. They must be set free!

Cach: Hmmm... you may be on to something. Perhaps I have been unfair to you with all of this "work and planning my future" stuff.

Clay: Get your priorities straight. Absence ought to make the heart grow fonder.

Cach: And we're right back to Facebook. See, with Facebook, it's like you never even left! But seriously, I need a mailing address for you. I just got a new Mad Chad card and... really... I think he'd want you to have it in your new office.

Clay: ((sigh)). just don't publish the address on your blog. i don't need no hate mail comin' my way.

Cach: I expect to see a photo of it next to your desk here on Facebook as soon as you get it.

Clay: (He gives me his address. I promise to post the picture once I see it.) alright...i'm going to lunch.

Cach: Enjoy! Mad Chad will be there soon to cheer you and console.

Clay: ((sighs again, shakes his head disdainfully.))

(We here at Cachinnation Central are always glad to see that our former interns are doing well for themselves in the world. In Clay's case, we're also glad to have not seen him on a Chris Hansen special yet.)

The Cachinnator in SAP

2008-11-04T12:21:00.000-06:00

Yo voto.

Don't blame me...

2008-11-04T10:40:00.000-06:00

... I voted for Kodos.

A Recent Conversation with Forky/A Tribute to the Wards

2008-11-01T16:47:00.001-05:00

(The following conversation is brought to you via Gmail chat between Forky and myself. The Wards in question are Seth and Amber, the latter known to you as Fancypants. We like them.)

Cach: ...Loved the costume, btw.
Forky: Did you like all the fine attention to detail?
Cach: Yes. Did the NYCers like it?
Forky: Most of them had no idea I was wearing a costume But one guy on the street "got it" and he looked pissed.
Cach: Was he dressed exactly the same?
Forky: No.
Cach: Because that would have been funny.
Forky: Yes. Yes it would have been.
Cach: Did you have fun with Sethro and Amber?
Forky: YES! I ADORE them!
Cach: I know.
Forky: They make me feel so funny!
Cach: They're really pretty great, aren't they?
Forky: They laugh at all my jokes! And Amber is so beautiful and lovely and Seth is so relaxed and cool.
Cach: And at the same time you feel like they're the greatest things in the room and that everyone should be paying attention to them. But instead, they're all into you.
Forky: YES!
Cach: And they make you feel good and smart and important.
Forky: YES!
Cach: That's good people, JoFo.
Forky: If you could bottle the Wards and sell them at department stores, you could make a million bucks.
Cach: That's not a bad idea...

The Book of Malachi

2008-10-28T00:50:00.000-05:00

So, remember when I posted my translation of Jonah? Well I've since done Malachi also. Here are the first two chapters. Your Bible may have four chapters, but it is more properly and more traditionally divided into only three. Also, it is highly unlikely that it was composed all at once or by any less than three authors. The syntax and varying tense structure and subject matter are giveaways of multiple authors. This is commonplace in many prophetic books in the Old Testament. Many times they should be read more as prophetic traditions rather than the prophetic utterances of a single prophet. The best example of this is Isaiah where you have either two or three authors, depending on how you read it, that cover a span of time over two hundred years.

At any rate, that's just a bit about OT prophets, writings, and study. Here's the translation. It's messy. That's Hebrew.

The burden of the word of the Lord to Israel by the hand of Malachi: “I have loved you,” says the Lord. “And you say, ‘How have you loved us?’ Was not Esau the brother of Jacob?” asks the Lord, “And I loved Jacob. “And I hated Esau and I laid his mountains to desolation and his inheritance I have given to the jackals of the wilderness.” Thus Edom said, “We are beaten, but we will return and build the waste places.” Thus says the Lord of Hosts, “They will build and I will tear down. They will call them the border of wickedness, and against those people the Lord is angry forever.” And your eyes will see and you will say, “The Lord will be made great beyond the border of Israel.” “A son honors a father and a servant his master. And if I am a father where is my honor? And if I am a master, where is my fear?” says the Lord of Hosts to you, priests who hate my name. And you say, “How have we hated your name?” “You offer polluted bread on my altar and you say, ‘How have we polluted you?’ By thinking that the table of the Lord is contemptible.” “And if you offer the blind for sacrifice, is it evil? And if you offer the lame and the sick, is it evil? Now offer it to your governor. Will he be pleased with you or accept you?” says the Lord of Hosts. And now I beg you, ask God that he will be gracious to us. “With this gift in your hands will he regard you,” says the Lord of Hosts. “Who also among you would shut the doors that you will not light fire on my altar for nothing. I have no pleasure in you,” says the Lord of Hosts. “And I will not accept an offering from your hands.” “For from the rising of the sun to its going down, great is my name in the nations. And in every place incense is burnt to my name and a pure offering. Thus great is my name in the nations,” says the Lord of Hosts. And you have profaned it when you say the table of the Lord is polluted, and its fruit, its meat, is despised. And you say, “Behold, what a weariness it is.” “And you sniffed at it,” says the Lord of Hosts. “And you brought what was torn, and the lame, and the sick, and you brought an offering. Should I accept this from your hands?” says the Lord of Hosts. And the deceiver is cursed who has a male in his flock, and vows it, and sacrifices a corrupt thing to the Lord. “For I am a great king,” says the Lord of Hosts, “and my name is feared in the nations.” And now to you, this commandment, priests: “If you will not hear, and if you will not lay to heart, give glory to my name,” says the Lord of Hosts, “I will send a curse to you, and I will curse your blessings, and I have cursed, because you do not lay it to heart. “Behold, I will rebuke your seed and I will spread the dung on your faces, the dung from your solemn festivals, and you will be taken up with it. And you will know that I have sent this commandment to you, that my covenant will be with Levi,” says the Lord of Hosts. “My covenant was with him of the life and of the peace, and I gave them to him for the fear, and he feared me, and in front of my name he was afraid. “The law of truth was in his mouth and iniquity was not found in his lips. In peace and righteousness he walked with me, and he turned away a great many from transgression. “For the lips of the priest should guard knowledge and they should seek the law from his mouth because this is a messenger of the Lord of Hosts. “But you have left from the way, and you have caused a great many to stumble from the law. You have corrupted the covenant of Levi,” says the Lord of Hosts. “So I have made you despised and low in front of all the people, that you have not kept my ways, but you have been partial in the law.” Do we not have one father? Did not one God create us? Why do we deal treacherously against our brothers profaning the covenant of our fathers? Judah dealt faithlessly, and an abomination is done in Israel and in Jerusalem. For Judah has profaned the holiness of the Lord which he loved, and has married the daughter of a foreign god. God will cut off from that man that does so, he who watches or witnesses, or brings and offering to the Lord of Hosts. And this you will also do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping, and with crying out because he will not regard the offering any more, or receive it with good will at your hand. And you say, “Why?” It is because the Lord has witnessed between you and the wife of your youth to whom you have dealt faithlessly, but she is your companion and the wife of your covenant. And did he not make one who had another spirit? And what does the one seek? A seed of God. And look to yourself and do not let one deal faithlessly with the wife of your youth. For he hates sending away, says the Lord, the God of Israel, and letting violence cover his garment, says the Lord of Hosts. So take heed and do not deal faithlessly. You have wearied the Lord with your words. And you say, “How have we wearied him?” By saying, “All who do evil in the sight of the Lord are good,” or, “Where is the God of judgment?”

I'm getting dangerously close to graduating.

From the Forkish Archives

2008-10-21T23:58:00.000-05:00

I had lunch with an old friend today, and I cited an old post by Forky. It made me laugh. So I thought I'd republish it here for you. If you'd like to see it in its original setting, go here. Enjoy!

DISCLAIMER! To females and Presbyterians: THIS POST IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! Enjoy!

I'm madder than a NASCAR racer with square wheels over this claptrap that women are just as safe behind the wheel as the only people who ought to be driving: red-blooded American MEN!

I've replayed the car crash I was in this weekend over and over again in my head. For those of you who don't know, I was sitting at a stoplight on Friday night, minding my own business, when suddenly I heard I loud crash and everything went black for a split second. I opened my eyes. Thinking rapidly, I realized that the reason my neck was hurting was because of whiplash. Then it occurred to me what had happened. Some fool rear-ended me!

With a newfound sense of mortality, I flicked on the emergency lights and looked over my shoulder at the driver of the other car. Her eyes, for I'm sure you've already guessed it was a girl that slammed into my completely stopped car, were wide with worry. She followed me into the parking lot of a nearby apartment complex.

I hopped out, assessed the damage, then walked over to her car. Knowing that stressful situations are only made worse when people are hopping mad, I assumed an air of deep concern as I stooped by her window and asked, "Are you okay?! Oh, I'm so glad you're all right!"

I was met with the following words:

"I am so sorry. I wasn't even paying attention. My mind was in a million other places."

Of course it was! Folks, driving is a privilege, not a right. I shudder to think what would have happened had that ding-bat been driving one of those gas-guzzling SUVs. I realize the ladies like to drive those things to feel "safer" because it makes them bigger than everybody else on the road, but let's think about this: When a woman is sitting in a car, the seat all snug and cozy, the air nice and warm, soft music playing, a toasty mocha latte in her hand, and the pretty scenery racing by, what is she most likely to do?

That's right! Snuggle up and go to sleep! Or put on make-up!

As I write this there's an army of mini-tanks being driven by emotional and unstable females who are more interested in primping and keeping their eyes on their hair, rather than where they should be keeping 'em; on the poor Joe they just squashed under their two-ton wheels!

If I had my way, women who want to buy one of those Death-UVs would be required to participate in a special class that would evaluate their driving before the salesman handed them the keys.

It would be similar to a monster-truck rally only better. The women would have to drive around a fairly straightforward obstacle course full of fluffy critters like bunnies and squirrels. Then we'd get some really big truck, like that Big Foot from the 1980s, to chase after them while their husbands sit in the stands and rate their driving skills. If she can get through the course without swerving off the road to mourn for Little Bunny Foo-Foo or try to talk to about her feelings, she's okay in my book.

And if she doesn't pass the test, she would forfeit her license for a whole year and only let her husband drive. If she's not married, she'll have to walk or take the bus or hire somebody to drive her around. Unemployment would decrease and it would give our economy the much-needed shot in the arm it needs to get itself back on track.

Mark my words, after experiencing Forky's Monster-Truck driving test, she'll know how the rest of us guys feel when we see her careening down the highway in six-passenger vehicle with herself as the sole passenger. She'll think twice before saying, "No, honey, let me drive."

And I wouldn't have to get myself a new bumper!

These women are right where they belong: in the back seat!

A Recent Conversation With My Wife

2008-10-20T17:40:00.000-05:00

(The Scene: I have just arrived home. Beeki's in the kitchen.)

Cach: Hi, honey! I'm home!

Beeki: Hi, baby. Have you been a good boy?

Cach: Yes.

Beeki: Why should I believe you?

Cach: Because you're gullible.

Better Than Karate Kid 2

2008-10-11T02:05:00.000-05:00

Nobody tell Beeki, because this kind of thing would totally make her barf, but I just killed a fly.

I know, doesn't sound all that impressive at first blush, does it? But wait, let me tell you how I killed it. See, I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed when I noticed it. It was huge. Huge and gross. I closed the bathroom door to trap it. I looked around. There was nothing I could use as a weapon. So I took a kleenex and cocked it to use like you did in gym class with your towel. I took aim, whipped, and the fly dropped right out of the air.

I have rarely... nay, never... so badly wished I had an audience in my bathroom.